Coach Mark McGwire, 2010

I handled the McGwire story seriously here, so now let’s have some fun with it:

[scene: Cardinals-Cubs game, summer 2010. Yadier Molina just struck out on four pitches and goes to talk to the hitting coach]

Molina: Hey Mac, Zambrano got me with the changeup last time. So I was looking changeup, and he busted me with the fastball. Did it look like I was cheating changeup?

McGwire: I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m here to be positive about this subject. You took a good hack at that last one.

Molina: Um, sure, but I need some help with my approach here. I feel lost up there today. Should I move back in the box a bit?

McGwire: Asking me or anyone else to answer questions about where to stand in the box will not solve the problem. If I answer ‘No,’ he will just come with the changeup again and you’ll be further out in front. If I answer ‘Yes,’ you risk public scorn and endless second guessing when you wait too long to react to the pitch.

Molina: Jesus, coach, you got anything for me?

McGwire: My lawyers have advised me that I cannot answer these questions without jeopardizing my friends, my family, and myself. I will say, however, that it remains a fact in this country that a man, any man, should look at more film before facing a crafty veteran like Carlos Zambrano.

Molina: Uh, thanks, coach.