The Screwball: Comedy is in the (Baseball) Cards 5

In need of another pop quiz, are you?

Well, you’ve come to the right place — at just the right time!

Mike Piazza:
A) is launching a vicious assault on his own mullet.
B) is conducting the Chavez Ravine Symphony Orchestra.
C) is tied for first place, with a total of zero, in the One-Handed Home Run Derby.
D) has just written his autograph, backward, in the style of Zorro.

Luis Tiant:
A) is writing instructions on how to throw a curveball, in case he forgets.
B) is jotting a list of his all-time favorite movies, for some reason.
C) will not forget to pick up milk — not this time!
D) is drawing a whimsical image of an expanded strike zone.

Gino Cimoli:
A) doesn’t understand the stadium’s Bat Eradication Program.
B) is giving himself a robust collarbone massage.
C) is experimenting with a form of calisthenics called “inflexible stretching.”
D) is not yet aware of the explosion at the nearby urine-collection agency.

Dioner Navarro:
A) is watching a low-flying and oddly timed air show.
B) always finds it interesting when dragonflies mate in mid-air.
C) is watching 6-foot-8 teammate Tony Clark (not pictured) stroll across the infield.
D) is engaged in a staring contest with his imaginary friend, Timmy.

Al Spangler:
A) enjoys watching grass grow.
B) enjoys watching bridges rust.
C) is thinking he might apply more water.
D) is unaware of the photographer, who is disguised as a grassy bridge.

Raul Mondesi:
A) is tumbling into a giant bowl of terrible chili.
B) is battling the tornado that just hit the Sherwin-Williams plant.
C) can’t handle the power of this industrial-strength paint gun.
D) is in violent conflict with an oversized piñata.

Del Ennis:
A) is playing catch in a suburban back yard.
B) is in the unfortunate situation of hailing a cab during a Sunday barbecue.
C) is trying to get a signal on this newfangled “satellite dish.”
D) is hoping to provide a suitable nest for migrating sparrows.

Carlton Fisk:
A) is surveying the troops during morning formation.
B) enjoys wearing giant tomatoes on his head, but only when they’re cut in half.
C) is noticing, for the first time ever, that there’s a rosin bag on the mound.
D) is trying to remember the lyrics to Frampton’s Baby, I Love Your Way.

Everth Cabrera:
A) is heading the ball toward the goal, the goal being first base.
B) is launching a tiny satellite the old-fashioned way: manually.
C) is finally playing with the remote-controlled baseball he got for Christmas.
D) often turns his back on the advertising industry.

Alfredo Griffin:
A) is checking the scoreboard to make sure he hasn’t been traded again.
B) is gazing southward, toward his new city and its higher home prices.
C) is thinking, “Man, I had one more hole punch for a free sub at the Alameda location!”
D) is happy it doesn’t read “now with dentures.”

Cliff Johnson:
A) is saying, “It’s me, Cliff Johnson!”
B) is engaged in a staring contest with Dick Tidrow.
C) is not at all afraid that a fastball might damage his dental work.
D) has always been scared of space debris.

Hideo Nomo:
A) is the top contortionist in the traveling circus.
B) is made entirely of pipe cleaners.
C) is using his left butt cheek to challenge the orthodoxy of Japanese konji.
D) is not yet aware that the catcher is way over there.

Wade Boggs:
A) still hasn’t found a receptive audience for his “fowl ball” jokes.
B) is arguing on behalf of the PICCATA method of statistical analysis.
C) is penciled in at third in the pecking order.
D) is listening, intently, to subliminal messages about “the other white meat.”

Bob Tolan:
A) is decidedly unemotional about the home run he just hit.
B) is reserving judgment on the Reds’ chances this year.
C) is playing pepper with Zen master Seikan Hasegawa.
D) is trying not to think about the Band-Aids on his fingers.

Benny Santiago:
A) is conducting a study regarding catcher’s masks and lightning.
B) is telling the baseball gods he’s tired of being hit in the groin.
C) is saying hello to a surprisingly low Goodyear blimp.
D) is competing in the Area 51 Series.

Billy Hoeft:
A) is convinced the Red Scare is now behind him.
B) has continued to ignore the red-tide problem.
C) is the top leftie in the Sedona Summer League.
D) is being scouted closely – very closely – by the Cincinnati Reds.

Orel Hershiser:
A) is testing a prototype of the GoPro called the ToePro.
B) is about to throw a two-seam fastball to Lemuel Gulliver.
C) is throwing one last pitch before ascending directly to Heaven.
D) is drawing attention to a formation of orelcumulus hershiformis clouds.

Kirby Puckett:
A) is appearing in a promotion for Honey, I Shrunk the Twins.
B) is still cheerful despite being consistently late on fastballs.
C) vows to never miss another bunt.
D) is planning to rename it Lilliput Slugger.

Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder:
A) are engaged in a rare inter-weight-class title bout.
B) are developing what they call a “mixed partial art.”
C) are fighting at the behest of the bloodthirsty kid behind them.
D) are promoting a new Klement’s Sausage called Knockwurst.

Fausto Carmona:
A) is wondering how the name “Roberto Hernandez” would sound.
B) has devised a novel way to sell licorice-flavored cotton candy.
C) is a leader in the field of “concussion proofing.”
D) is gonna need a bigger cap.

Vladimir Guerrero:
A) is thrilled about the Mini-Wheat on his baseball card.
B) wonders if there’s also a baseball card in the Mini-Wheats.
C) is glad they decided against the Cream of Wheat.
D) is gonna need a bigger bowl.

Eric Karros:
A) is planning to ride the bus, because he is obviously unlicensed.
B) is playing first base for the Witness Protection All-Stars.
C) is preparing to field a ground ball off the bat of nobody in particular.
D) is often mistaken for that guy on that other team.

Juan Beniquez:
A) is thinking, “Sure, I’ll have a Pepsi, but I’d prefer a Nehi fastball. Hi-yo!”
B) is thinking, “If I really could ‘have it my way,’ I’d play for a better team.”
C) is often described as having “a lot of pop.”
D) is still vulnerable to “straight cheese.”

Jose Laboy:
A) is churning a considerable amount of butter.
B) has just invented a substandard pipe organ.
C) is at work on an early version of Whack-A-Mole.
D) is shopping at history’s first Costco.

Tony Taylor:
A) is working as a body double for a prom-photo agency.
B) is heading toward the restroom to unclog the toilet.
C) is a leader in the avant-garde mortar and pestle industry.
D) is also churning a considerable amount of butter.

Dazzy Vance:
A) is reaching for the nearest rotary-dial telephone (not pictured).
B) is determining who among his teammates (not pictured) is most ticklish.
C) is throwing a wicked curveball (not pictured) at the photographer (also not pictured).
D) is getting old (pictured).

Delino DeShields:
A) just asked his bat to the homecoming dance…and the bat said yes!
B) is holding the corsage in his right cheek.
C) will probably need to shower before the big dance.
D) is no longer playing “DeField.”

George Scott:
A) is still laughing at last night’s Welcome Back, Kotter.
B) is consistently amused by Jerry Remy’s arrow-through-the-head bit.
C) is thinking, “No way would a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar!”
D) is competing in the daily Bicuspids Tournament.

Billy Grabarkewitz:
A) will be renamed Billy Grabcrotchewitz if he’s not careful.
B) is showing a teammate why his nickname is “Grabs.”
C) is pleased that his teammate is turning his head, but not pleased he isn’t coughing.
D) is way out of position.

Francisco Cabrera:
A) is upset that Catcher’s Mask, Inc. went out of business.
B) is also upset the Braves didn’t budget for chest protectors.
C) doesn’t appreciate being called “Miguel.”
D) isn’t even sure who “Miguel Cabrera” is, to be perfectly honest.

Miguel Cabrera:
A) has always enjoyed hitting in botanic gardens.
B) finds it easier to slash his way through the jungle while in full uniform.
C) is the leading hitter in the Arborist League.
D) is accompanying his bat on its family reunion.

Russ Meyer:
A) is thinking, “Faster, pussycat! And lower! And farther off the plate!”
B) finds it difficult to do his follow-through because a signature is in his way.
C) often exhales in cursive.
D) is unaware of the Diamond of Damocles above his head.

Ichiro:
A) is leading the league in tabula rasa.
B) is a free agent, more or less.
C) is not concerned with “rights” or “card contracts,” but just wants to play ball.
D) is offering one month of free ad space in exchange for a two-year agreement.

Willie Montañez:
A) is upset that a large trophy is directly in his swing path.
B) is not at all happy that the tilde is missing from the “N.”
C) is mad that the photographer won’t use a diffusion lens typical of boudoir photography.
D) is wondering why his teammate is talking to Mr. Rogers.

Jim Lonborg:
A) is caught between patriotism and a shot of Gilbert’s Gin.
B) has ignored a request that he change his name to Gin Lonborg.
C) is wondering what it would be like to be called Jim Cyborg.
D) is just a bit surprised, that’s all.

Dave Stewart:
A) throws no-hitters pretty easily, thanks chiefly to his four blurry arms.
B) will occasionally issue a walk on just one pitch.
C) once hailed four cabs simultaneously.
D) was made, inaccurately, in the image of Ganesh.

Ken Aspromonte:
A) is planning to toss pebbles at the second-floor window as soon as this photo is taken.
B) is enjoying the succulent aromas of a neighborhood potluck.
C) is all grin-and-bear-it with regard to the photographer’s calling him “Aspartame.”
D) figures, “Why not? ‘Aspartame’ is still better than ‘Methyl Ester.'”

Paul Lo Duca:
A) is hopping on one foot, just as the aliens instructed.
B) is awaiting the arrival of history’s most impressive Eephus pitch.
C) is wondering how he’ll get the ball out of that tree.
D) is making sure his 3-for-3 performance doesn’t go unnoticed.

Lowell Palmer:
A) is hypnotizing a cocker spaniel.
B) is ordering two appletinis.
C) is terrible at giving the peace sign.
D) is about to experience the unrivaled texture of mink.

George Brett:
A) just had a molar extracted — by a truck mechanic.
B) is tired of fielding one-hoppers with his cheek.
C) is storing Freddie Patek for the winter.
D) other.