The Screwball: Even More Fun With Old Photos

Yet another pop quiz for the discerning baseball fan? Surely you jest! Well, surely we do. To the quiz!

This man is:
A) hoping to hit an inside-the-parlor home run.
B) having trouble with the “interior fastball.”
C) ignoring suggestions to get the bat off his shoulder.
D) looking forward to Rumspringa Training.

This guy is:
A) frequently mistaken for a figure skater.
B) the league leader in getting laughed at.
C) not often referred to as “scrappy.”
D) planning to slap his tailor.

This player is:
A) good at keeping his foot on the throw pillow.
B) wearing a delicious layer cake.
C) showing off the hairball his cat coughed up.
D) not convinced, and never will be, that the ballpark is haunted.

This fellow is:
A) leading the league in seductive poses.
B) wearing his real mustache as a bowtie.
C) hoping to become a mannequin at the Marble Palace.
D) stoic about the theft of his cap.

These men are:
A) feeling pretty good about themselves.
B) graduates of the Academy of Haughty Poses.
C) deciding, should the team carriage break down, who will be eaten.
D) beginning to realize that there is furniture on the field.

The 1869 Cincinnati Red Stockings are:
A) pleased to be part of a rotary dial phone.
B) in orbit around player/manager Harry Wright.
C) appearing in an ill-conceived forerunner to The Hollywood Squares.
D) appearing in an ill-conceived forerunner to The Brady Bunch.

The 1877 Boston Red Stockings are:
A) appearing in a better-conceived forerunner to The Hollywood Squares.
B) appearing in a better-conceived forerunner to The Brady Bunch.
C) pleased to be part of a futuristic calculator.
D) on speed-dial.

Boston third baseman Ezra Sutton is:
A) asking the baseball to “give peace a chance.”
B) less a believer in throwing the ball than in aiming the ball.
C) frequently on the disabled list, due to the way he catches line drives.
D) known as The Baseball Whisperer.

Boston outfielder/pitcher Harry Wright is:
A) upset that the barber missed a spot.
B) getting cold, but only in the hands and wrists.
C) competing in the annual Folded-Arms Tournament (Hatless Division).
D) not going to face the camera, no matter how nicely this guy asks.

Giants shortstop John Ward is:
A) signaling delay of game.
B) upset that Mrs. Ward wants him to shave the mustache.
C) angry that his cap still has no logo.
D) embarrassed by his unsightly cuticles.

Cincinnati center fielder Pop Corkhill is:
A) the league’s finest defender, despite a searing case of hemorrhoids.
B) launching history’s first artificial satellite, the Spitballnik.
C) straddling an inconvenient flow of molten infield dirt.
D) a devotee of tossing the ball to himself, and catching it.

Giants catcher Buck Ewing is:
A) posing with Mini-Buck.
B) a proud supporter of the Chairs For Tots program..
C) unable to get his ventriloquist dummy to say “Wellington-area wallaby.”
D) returning this furniture to the manufacturer, because it has a boy in it.

Browns catcher Jocko Milligan is:
A) a big believer in playing catch on bucolic footpaths.
B) dangerously unaware of the white squall behind him.
C) planning to start a garage band called The White Horizontal Stripes.
D) hoping to change his nickname to Awkwardo.

Pittsburgh second baseman Samuel Barkley is:
A) practicing the “broken-tibia method” of the double-play pivot.
B) demonstrating his belief that “gloves are for milquetoasts.”
C) adamant that spelling Pittsburgh incorrectly, as seen here, is “turrible.”
D) an advocate of smoking, “for that salubrious, lung-clearing cough.”

Washington catcher Connie Mack is:
A) looking for a pitch he can drive, probably.
B) scared that after he hits the ball, it will swing right back at him.
C) designing a prototype of the Speed Hitter.
D) wondering why he must wear a cummerbund.

Pittsburgh’s Jake “Eagle Eye” Beckley is:
A) wondering what it would be like to be called “Emu Mouth.”
B) glad he used his cravat to wipe the mustard off his mustache.
C) considering the ramifications of the May 11, 1894 Pullman Strike.
D) focused on the upcoming season, because the schedule is on the wall.

Detroit Wolverines shortstop Frank Scheibeck is:
A) launching a dove (not pictured) in the name of world peace.
B) praying for manna, and receiving it.
C) catching a wobbly pass from an ancestor of Billy Kilmer.
D) practicing for rigor mortis.

These guys are known as:
A) Paul, John, George and Pete, for some reason.
B) the Four Horsemen of the Capocalypse, for some other reason.
C) members of the A’s, for a better reason.
D) the Philadelphia Five, for no reason.

Pitcher Cy Young is:
A) tiptoeing through the tulips, despite the absence of tulips.
B) modeling for a dainty-crossing sign.
C) known as a heavy sweater.
D) wearing a revolutionary five-fingered oven mitt.

Giants ace Christy Mathewson is:
A) lying down, vertically.
B) demonstrating a miracle product called Pit Stains B Gone!
C) posing in the Fully Clothed Bodybuilders Showdown.
D) trying to get at a stubborn itch.

White Sox pitcher Eddie Cicotte is:
A) being accosted by Chicago’s friendliest mugger.
B) exclaiming, “How ’bout this new fabric softener!”
C) encountering history’s first TSA agent.
D) thinking, “You know, if I were a lefty, this wouldn’t feel so good.”

White Sox catcher Ray Schalk is:
A) not sure why he’s wearing the uniform of a prison team.
B) hoping to become a train engineer.
C) mulling the win probability of a team with a Happy and a Sloppy.
D) as perplexed as anyone that he will someday enter the Hall of Fame.

Cleveland catcher Luke Sewell is:
A) not going to let this guy date his daughter.
B) tackling history’s most modest streaker.
C) providing inspiration for the safety blitz.
D) being a good sportsman by throwing his body, not cushions or paper.

Cubs (l-r) Billy Herman, Guy Bush, Bob Smith, Zach Taylor and Woody English are:
A) brushing their teeth with turkey jerky.
B) finishing the last morsel of authentic oxtail soup.
C) enjoying a delicious Gabby Hartnett Bar.
D) ignoring the warning that tobacco use can cause ballcap skewing.

Chicago’s Shoeless Joe Jackson has:
A) cut into his shoelessness by half, if not more.
B) always been an advocate of the forward slash.
C) an interior gyroscope sensor to keep him from falling over.
D) a skewed perspective.

The Yankees’ Babe Ruth and team owner Jacob Ruppert are:
A) initiating the inaugural Hands Across America.
B) reading each other’s palms, for free.
C) comparing knuckle sizes, for some reason.
D) betting on whether the man behind Ruppert is a Red Sox spy.

Slugger Hack Wilson is:
A) developing a chiropractic treatment called the “sacralfice fly.”
B) taking batting practice while watching an action-packed balloon race.
C) praying for divine intervention with regard to his follow-through.
D) so stuck up.

This baserunner is:
A) the fastest man in the Witness Protection League.
B) building a sandcastle the old-fashioned way – with his chest.
C) preparing the field for the annual spring planting.
D) about to conceive of the Slip N’ Slide.

Yankees first baseman Lou Gehrig is:
A) growing a “horizontal lumber beard.”
B) in the opening stages of a five-bat salute.
C) baking bat-shaped baguettes with the heat from his nostrils.
D) an investor in Oddly Shaped And Undersized Alpenhorns, Inc.

Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig are:
A) preparing to compete in the annual Waner Toss.
B) using callous identification to tell the difference between Paul and Lloyd.
C) celebrating the opening of the Iron Babe Manicure Emporium.
D) still confused about this whole “do-si-do” thing.

The Giants’ Mel Ott (left) and the Yankees’ Lou Gehrig are:
A) reasonably sure that a New York team will win the 1936 World Series.
B) planning to trade caps, to see if anyone notices the difference.
C) thinking how crazy it would be if a football team were called the Giants.
D) wondering why that guy back there is wearing a chef’s hat.

Yankees great Joe DiMaggio is:
A) preparing for his upcoming flute recital.
B) reenacting his first, awkward kiss.
C) singing Tea For Two to his one true love.
D) not saluting his bat, actually, as that would include a salute.

Dodgers infielder Jackie Robinson is:
A) engaged in an amicable debate about the spelling of “travel(l)ing.”
B) pointing out that “Thermos” should be capitalized, as it is trademarked.
C) suggesting that it’s actually pronounced “ar-ki-PEL-a-go.”
D) ignoring the fact that one fan is wearing catcher’s mitt as an earring.

Yankees shortstop Phil Rizzuto is:
A) competing in the one-meter indoor hurdles.
B) remembering that he forgot his jockstrap.
C) no longer amused by his “leg up on the competition” shtick.
D) just now realizing there’s a Red Rolfe and a Red Ruffing.

New York’s Yogi Berra and Boston’s Vern Stephens (No. 5) are:
A) inventing a dance called the I Don’t Think I Can Dance.
B) practicing, poorly, for the U.S. Olympic diving team.
B) charter members of the Northeastern Leg-Wrestling Federation.
D) not particularly curious as to why a man’s shoe is in short right field.

Pittsburgh star Ralph Kiner is:
A) saying, “Hello, everybody, welcome to Kiner’s Korner, I’m Johnny Bench.”
B) saying, “Hello, everybody, welcome to Kiner’s Korner, I’m Joe Battin.”
C) saying, “Hello, everybody, welcome to Kiner’s Korner, I’m Bob Poser.”
D) saying, “Hello, everybody, welcome to Kiner’s Korner, I’m John Smiley.”

New York’s Mickey Mantle (left) and Cincinnati’s Ted Kluszewski are:
A) engaged in an unorthodox but friendly fencing match.
B) earning Boy Scout merit badges by starting a fire.
C) competing in the Forearms vs. Upper Arms Tournament.
D) not concerned with “labels.”

Yankees Andy Carey (left) and Johnny Kucks are:
A) suddenly aware that sitting on the bench ain’t so bad.
B) pitching to the score, for sure.
C) among early favorites for Most Valuable Playa.
D) the woo pitchers of record.

Giants star Willie Mays is:
A) getting tired, frankly, of handing out candy after each home run.
B) exerting a strange magnetic pull on men in metal jackets.
C) not quite on board with this “trust exercise.”
D) privy, unlike the rest of us, to what the coach on the far right is yelling.

The Yankees’ Roger Maris is:
A) a prisoner of history’s tiniest on-deck circle.
B) trying, by any means necessary, to keep his chin up.
C) shaving with the new Norelco Fist Razor.
D) other.