The Screwball: Still More Fun With Old Photos

Still another pop quiz, for the discerning baseball fan:

This man is:
A) wearing a striped fruit bat (Cynopterus striata).
B) performing an Anglo-Saxon version of the Mexican Hat Dance.
C) clicking his heels together three times, for some reason.
D) proud that he trained his cap to sit, and also to stay.

This guy is:
A) the finest dancer in the French touring company.
B) the league leader in prancing around the bases.
C) accomplished at pirouetting away from inside fastballs.
D) often confused by what he interprets as a “tutu count.”

Washington’s Paul Hines is:
A) flipping one of his famous spherical pancakes.
B) playing an enjoyable game called Toss And Applaud.
C) not well-versed in the basics of snowball fights.
D) the first to catch a prize from the Party Patrol.

St. Louis pitcher Harry Staley is:
A) threshing wheat with his feet.
B) working on a new pitch called the “lemon squeezer.”
C) hoping that unlike the last time he did this trick, the bird is still alive.
D) wondering, given the uniform’s hue, why they’re called the Whites.

Philadelphia catcher Pop Schriver is:
A) demonstrating to geometry students a perfect 91-degree angle.
B) the starting catcher for the Philadelphia All-Funeral Team.
C) about to kill a rabbit for dinner.
D) executing a rare Statue of Liberty play.

Giants third baseman Roger Connor is:
A) an early proponent of the open stance.
B) an early proponent of the offset belt buckle.
C) an early proponent of staring down the pitcher.
D) pleased with the amount of foul territory behind him.

Philadelphia catcher Jack Clements is:
A) demonstrating his conception of a Jackocentric cosmos.
B) performing his trademark single, Stop in the Name of No Glove.
C) enjoying the light-sweater weather of a New York studio.
D) unaware of the toilet paper stuck to his shoe.

Philadelphia third baseman Joe Mulvey is:
A) keeping his eye on the ball, that’s for sure.
B) the league leader in orbital fractures.
C) judging the Westminster Baseball Club’s Best In Show.
D) noticing, for the first time, that baseballs have seams.

Philadelphia catcher Deacon McGuire is:
A) afraid of classroom lunar models.
B) a leading figure in two-handed tetherball.
C) hoping to make the team as a third-down receiver.
D) testing his new oven mitts with a hot pork meatball.

Chicago pitcher John Clarkson is:
A) accepting a tangerine from a long-armed ghost.
B) turning the knob of an invisible door to an alternate dimension.
C) about to place a spherical coin in a distant vending machine.
D) attempting to placate a hungry, and very tall, Doberman Pinscher.

Pittsburgh centerfielder and future evangelist Billy Sunday is:
A) rejecting the suggestion of secular humanism.
B) waiting for the advent of the Fielding Bible.
C) saying, “Of course my favorite book is Numbers.”
D) hoping, after a .243/.291/.301 season, to resurrect his career.

Boston pitcher Old Hoss Radbourn is:
A) having fun with a friend on his kitchen floor.
B) participating in an important social grooming ritual.
C) moonlighting as professional wrestler Bold Boss Badborn.
D) finding a teammate’s ticklish spot.

Baltimore outfielder Blondie Purcell is:
A) good at making shadow puppets.
B) fond of frolicking in fake public parks.
C) hoping to win the butterfly-catching contest.
D) easily distracted.

Detroit third baseman Sam Thompson is:
A) determined not to break any more windows.
B) determined not to let the hailstone damage his mustache.
C) determined not to “take the collar,” since he already has one.
D) reacting to history’s first Eephus pitch.

The 1890 Columbus Solons are:
A) the main component of a Solon Burger.
B) at the center of a late-century Tootsie Pop.
C) an extremely heady ballclub.
D) leading the league in closely guarded gossip.

Giants shortstop John Ward is:
A) bidding on an antique lamp during a rare horizontal auction.
B) holding on for dear life during the Great Studio Cyclone of ’88.
C) insistent that he knows the answer, despite it being nap time.
D) demonstrating what he calls the “headfirst rigor mortis slide.”

New York Giants Dude “Esterbrooke” and Mike Dorgan are:
A) not on speaking terms, due to a dispute about how to wear a cravat.
B) not on speaking terms, due to a dispute about how to wear a mustache.
C) not on speaking terms, due to a dispute about wearing caps indoors.
D) equally upset about the misspelling of Esterbrook.

Giants ace Christy Mathewson is:
A) watching one man’s failed attempt to dome the stadium.
B) learning that Hooter T. Friday’s is serving 2-for-1 apps from 4 to 7.
C) observing the first syzygy involving Mars, the moon and a deep fly ball.
D) practicing for the Live-Ball Era.

Senators ace Walter Johnson is:
A) waiting patiently for Cookie Lavagetto.
B) appearing in a PSA for lactose tolerance.
C) planning an experiment to determine if anyone cries.
D) gonna milk this thing for all it’s worth.

Detroit star Ty Cobb has:
A) continued to play hard, even underwater.
B) personally endorsed Picasso’s Blue Period.
C) just realized the strength of the small helium balloon.
D) had enough of the government’s opium trials.

White Sox star Joe Jackson is:
A) not only shoeless but also pantsless.
B) auditioning for the role of Slick-Fielding Superman.
C) happy to wear a formal dinner jacket.
D) using a bow and arrow (not pictured) with his feet.

Giants pitcher Rube Marquard and his son are discussing:
A) the newly signed Treaty of Brest-Litovsk.
B) the newly established Mountainous Republic of the Northern Caucasus.
C) GM’s recent acquisition of the Chevrolet Motor Company of Delaware.
D) none of the above.

The 1910 Philadelphia Athletics are:
A) walking south for the winter.
B) posing for the album cover of Athletics: Bold As Glove.
C) hoping to bust the kickoff coverage of the Buffalo Oakdales.
D) behind manager Connie Mack 100 percent, but also a bit to the side.

The 1911 New York Highlanders (American-joke version) are:
A) practicing for their role as the Lernaean Hydra.
B) pretty sure that 23 heads are better than one.
C) the most popular items at the Anne Boleyn Tree Ornament Co.
D) in need of more headroom.

The 1911 New York Highlanders (Scottish-joke version) are:
A) planning to win both the caber toss and the stone put.
B) good at holding the runner close to the bagpipe.
C) leading the league in single, double and triple malt scotches.
D) hopeful that by season’s end, they’ll have “kilt the competition.”

Yankees great Babe Ruth is:
A) demonstrating his least favorite pitch location.
B) delivering an official send-off to one of his home run balls.
C) telling the photographer, “This is how tall I used to be.”
D) the finest hitter in the New York National Guard, probably.

Babe Ruth is:
A) ignoring the Phi Delta Theta handshake from teammate Lou Gehrig.
B) jogging around the bases in efforts to lose weight.
C) backing away from the plate due to acute scorephobia.
D) just happy to be in the shade.

Yankees first baseman Lou Gehrig is:
A) telling a whopper of a bipedal-fish story.
B) trying to get a signal on his transistor mitt radio.
C) flubbing the “flaps down” signal during Landing Signal Officer training.
D) waving hello in an unnecessarily dramatic fashion.

Lou Gehrig is:
A) happily dismantling the world’s most primitive xylophone.
B) chuckling at his poor performance in Whack-a-Mitt.
C) winning, once again, the weekly Dugout Dimples Contest.
D) suffering from Ticklish Palm Syndrome.

The woman with the camera is:
A) hoping to get a picture of shortstop Lyn Lary in his native habitat.
B) gathering photographic evidence of history’s worst batting stance.
C) a charter member, with Lary, of the Bowed Head Cooperative.
D) unaware that pitcher Denny Galehouse covets her earrings.

The Yankees’ Joe DiMaggio is:
A) delivering a speech to the Mostly White Shirts Alliance.
B) leading the crowd in an early version of We Will Rock You.
C) asking everyone to apply hand lotion, with enthusiasm.
D) walking backward to the on-deck circle.

Slugger Ted Williams is sad because:
A) his jersey is kind of itchy.
B) his mood often matches the weather.
C) as far as anyone can tell, he plays for Bcston, Bgston or Baston.
D) the photographer has refused to use color film.

Ted Williams and Joe DiMaggio are:
A) measuring a bat in Biblical cubits.
B) discussing the contours of a lady’s calf.
C) comparing notes on the new jumbo pasta.
D) refusing to acknowledge the surrender behind them.

Dodgers star Jackie Robinson has:
A) just awoken from an oddly located nap.
B) picked a strange time to work on his obliques.
C) just demonstrated, during Fire Safety Week, how to stop, drop and roll.
D) no chance of being called safe.

These players, in Game 4 of 1949 World Series, are:
A) board pieces on the original Electric Baseball, actually.
B) thinking about Lifebuoy Soap, Botany Ties and fine Schaefer Beer.
C) unaware of the zoom lens on Rigel VII.
D) experiencing various reactions to Bobby Brown’s bases-clearing triple.

Mickey Mantle is:
A) planting okra with his right buttock.
B) recreating the “Tom” tunnel from The Great Escape.
C) not concerned that a wall has been erected so close to second base.
D) safe, for sure.

Mickey Mantle (left) and Ken Boyer are laughing at the suggestion:
A) that Neil H. McElroy will be sworn in as U.S. Secretary of State.
B) that Calal Bayer will be re-elected president of Turkey.
C) that Sputnik and Leave it to Beaver will launch on the same day.
D) that the Ford Motor Co. will introduce the Edsel.

Cardinals pitcher Bob Gibson is:
A) using his left foot to reseed his infielder crop.
B) trusting his faulty landing gear after a rough cross-country flight.
C) getting into the proper fielding position in an alternate universe.
D) baseball’s best windstorm mime.

Sadaharu Oh (left) and Joe Torre are:
A) filming a PSA for hot-foot awareness.
B) practicing for the 400-meter very low hurdles.
C) the final two candidates for the position of drum major.
D) starring in the new Off-Broadway musical Oh, Joe!

Dodgers outfielder Kirk Gibson is:
A) happy that he knows the answer.
B) thrilled that he got the trucker to blow his horn.
C) a joyous straphanger on an invisible train.
D) somewhat new to yoga.

Phillies third baseman Mike Schmidt is:
A) hoping, for his own sake, that he doesn’t hit 700 homers.
B) wondering if he’ll get straight cheese or a hard curd.
C) neck-deep in a breakfast-cereal venture.
D) other.