What’s in a Nickname?

Ever stop to think about how organized baseball resembles organized crime? That is, beyond the shakedown you endure when you pay for parking, tickets, concessions, or souvenirs?

First of all, for both goodfellas and goodplayas, there is a boss of bosses, or capo di tutti i capi. As for the mob, I’m not sure who the big boss is these days, but in baseball, he’s called the Commish, Rob Manfred, who oversees 30 families (or franchises) in major metro areas. That’s 750 major league goodplayas; no telling how many mob goodfellas are out there, as many of them have assumed identities or legitimate professions as fronts.

In the mob, when a guy outlives his usefulness, he is whacked (as a euphemism, I suppose you could say he was “designated for assignment”). In major league baseball, such a man is simply released. They don’t take away your life, just your paycheck. Get out of line with the mob, and you will sleep with the fishes; get out of line at Petco Park…well, you can always sleep with the fish tacos.

Sometimes mobsters are relocated from one city to another, just as ballplayers are relocated or traded. One might start with the Cleveland mob and move on to Chicago, much as a former Indian might move on to the White Sox.

Both baseball and the mob resist federal control. MLB was granted an antitrust exemption; the mob had a similar deal for decades, albeit informally, as J. Edgar Hoover resisted the notion that organized crime existed in America.

The mob and baseball have long been staples of popular culture. Both have donated many notable slang terms to the American lexicon, so it is not surprising that colorful nicknames are common to both.

You can’t have too many good nicknames, whether you’re talking about ballplayers or gangsters. Some of the best have two, three, or more. Of course, it’s difficult to determine who came up with each nickname. Sadly, it seems that memorable ballplayer nicknames are on the wane; not so with gangsters.

In both cases, a nickname that strikes fear in the heart of opponents is desirable. One such nickname is David Ortiz’s “Big Papi.” But the syntax, in gangster speak, should be David “Big Papi” Ortiz. The nickname is always inserted between the first and last name. For example, Greg Luzinski was known as “The Bull,” but never referred to as Greg “The Bull” Luzinski, a la Sammy “The Bull” Gravano.

One of the better names in baseball today is “Joey Bats” for Jose Bautista. Whoever came up with this one was probably conscious that it sounded like a Mafia nickname. In fact, Bautista’s nickname is quite close to a real gangster’s nickname.

Tony Accardo left a big footprint in Chicago criminal history. Unlike a number of his cohorts, he lived to a ripe old age and died of natural causes. If you’re wondering if pitcher Jeremy Accardo is any relation…beats me.

Born in 1906, Tony Accardo was a dropout and small-time hoodlum when he went to work for Al Capone in 1924. He rose through the ranks over the next few years, and was one of the triggermen in the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre in 1929.

While he was working for Capone, one of his achievements inspired one of his nicknames. It was a scene that would appear to have sprung from the imagination of a screenwriter, but it actually happened.

It seems Capone became aware of a couple of underlings, Alberto Anselmi and Giovanni Scalise, who were traitors. Well, Capone could have taken care of it in the traditional way…you know, take them for a ride and leave the bodies in the trunk of the abandoned car, or the old shallow grave routine.

Rather, Capone chose to dispatch them during a formal banquet. In a roomful of tuxedo-clad mobsters, Tony Accardo beat the two men to death with a baseball bat, hence acquiring the nickname Joe Batters. Why Joe Batters and not Tony Batters? Apparently, it derives from his middle name. He went by the name Antonino Joseph Accardo, though he was born Antonino Leonardo Accardo. One wonders if Jose Bautista is aware of how close his nickname is to that of a Hall of Fame mobster.

Somehow dodging indictments and the tax man, “Joe Batters” never spent a day in jail, rose to the top of the Chicago syndicate and died at age 86 in 1992. His other nickname was “Big Tuna,” which certainly sounds imposing, but was merely the result of his having caught a 400-pound fish while on vacation.

You might recall that legendary football coach Bill Parcells also had that nickname, but it was allegedly due to his physique, not to his achievement as an angler or any resemblance, physically or morally, to Tony Accardo.

Getting back to the matter at hand, I think it’s obvious that we just don’t have enough colorful nicknames in baseball today. I hope to rectify that with the following list. Of course, you can’t tell which nicknames will stick, and which ones won’t, but here’s an attempt to inject some mobster-like nicknames into major league rosters:

A

• Fernando “I Be Bad” Abad
• Dustin “Ack-Ack Gun” Ackley
• Al “High Desert” Alburquerque
• Yonder “Wild Blue” Alonso
• Jose “Joey the Dwarf” Altuve
• Oswaldo “The Rabbit” Arcia
• Bronson “Dry Gulch” Arroyo
• Cody “Burning Man” Asche

B

• Andrew “The Bondsman” Bailey
• Jeff “Doughboy” Baker
• Darwin “The Dinosaur” Barney
• Tucker “Barn Burner” Barnhart
• Antonio “Inglourioius” Bastardo
• Brandon “The Alligator” Belt
• Adrian “The Big Bellringer” Beltre
• Mookie “Off Track” Betts
• Michael “The Torch” Blazek
• Rex “Hoes and Bros” Brothers
• Clay “Buckshot” Buchholz

C

• Melky “Got Melk?” Cabrera
• Matt “The Buzzsaw” Carpenter
• Andrew “Big Bucks” Cashner
• Welington “The Big Beef” Castillo
• Brett “The Sea Serpent” Cecil
• Lonnie “The Chiseler” Chisenhall
• Randy “The Preppy” Choate
• Steve “Meat Cleaver” Clevinger
• Tyler “Clip Joint” Clippard
• Alex “The Kernel” Cobb
• Neal “Mattress Man” Cotts
• Carl “Crawdaddy” Crawford

D

• Josh “The Hot Corner Don” Donaldson
• Sean “Big Doo-Doo” Doolittle
• Brian “The Bulldozer” Dozier
• Danny “Irish Car Bomb” Duffy

E

• Alcides “Mr. Goodbar” Escobar
• Marco “The Marksman” Estrada

F

• Scott “Green Felt Jungle” Feldman
• Prince “Charming” Fielder
• Doug “Five Fingers” Fister
• Tyler “Funeral Home” Flowers
• Mike “Big Hunky” Foltynewicz
• Jason “The Wee Scotsman” Frasor
• David “Icehouse Dave” Freese

G

• Evan “Two Gats” Gattis
• Craig “Gentlemen’s Club” Gentry
• Johnny “Java Johnny” Giavotella
• Paul “24 Karat” Goldschmidt
• Anthony “Gone Goose” Gose
• Didi “Pope Gregory” Gregorius
• Jason “Barbecue” Grilli
• Justin “The Reaper” Grimm
• Robbie “Gross-Out” Grossman
• Jedd “The Jerk Chicken” Gyorko

H

• Luke “Hoochie Coochie Man” Hochevar
• Derek “Dutch Uncle” Holland

I

• Omar “Big Baby” Infante

J

• John “Cool Jazz” Jaso

K

• Corey “The Clubber” Kluber

L

• Adam “Big Cockroach” LaRoche
• Mike “The Plumber” Leake
• Colby “The Cheesehead” Lewis
• Kyle “The Louse” Lohse
• James “The Ranger” Loney
• Evan “Long Green” Longoria
• Aaron “The Jeweler” Loup

M

• Manny “Big Macho” Machado
• Nick “The Sleek Greek” Markakis
• Casey “Giggles” McGehee
• Nate “The Mouth” McLouth
• Mike “Mustache Wax” Moustakas
• David “Dropkick” Murphy

O

• Jake “Eggs Over Easy” Odorizzi
• Dan “The Terrorist” Otero
• Brett “Shoulder Holster” Overholzer

P

• Tyler “Preacher Man” Pastornicky
• Steve “Ice Pick” Pearce
• Brad “The Pelfmaster” Pelfrey
• Dalton “The Consul” Pompey
• Buster “The Pistil” Posey

R

• Rod “The Wrassler” Rasmussen
• Ben “The Midnight Rider” Revere
• Anthony “The Ripper” Rizzo
• Ryan “Hoo-Hah” Rua
• Marc “Spelling Bee” Rzepczynski

S

• Jarrod “The Big Macher” Saltalamacchia
• Jeff “The Marginalizer” Samardzija
• J.B. “All That Jive” Shuck
• Jon “Double Shot” Singleton
• Justin “The Torch” Smoak
• Steven “Sue the Bastards” Souza
• George “Slinky” Springer
• Huston “Dead End” Street
• Drew “The Amputator” Stubbs
• Kurt “The Concertmaster” Suzuki

T

• Julio “The Irate Iranian” Teheran
• Mark “Big Portagee” Teixeira
• Mike “The Big Spawn” Trout
• Mark “The Big Trombone” Trumbo

V

• Danny “Fresh-Squeezed” Valencia
• Shane “Comeback” Victorino

W

• Daniel “Spider-man” Webb
• Zach “The Driver” Wheeler
• Tom “The Kaiser” Wilhelmsen

As I said at the outset of this article, you can’t have too many good nicknames; if I wanted to expend more time, I’m sure I could come up with more.

Better yet, you could come up with your own. Of course, there’s no guarantee that your nickname will stick to the player in question. But if you come up with a good one, shout it out at the ballpark or phone it in to your local sports talk radio show, or even better, put it below in the comments. You can’t copyright your creation, but if it catches on, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you have made a contribution to the great nickname parade of the American Pastime.