MLB Merch, for Better or Werch

In the days before team shops were commonplace, there were always souvenir stands. At the old ballparks, the sidewalks and concourses were narrow and there wasn’t much display room, so the selection was limited. Usually it would consist of a modest selection of T-shirts and caps, a yearbook, a team photo pack, buttons with pictures of the team’s star players, pennants, baseballs, miniature bats with the team logo, and a few other doodads.

An integral part of every Baby Boomer’s upbringing was a lecture from one’s Depression-scarred parents about not throwing away hard-earned money on trifles like baseball souvenirs. If dad was on a roll, you might be in for a full-blown “my life and hard times” lamentation.

As often as not, the old man would buy you something anyway, but it was a teachable moment he couldn’t let slide. I suspect more than a few parents secretly enjoyed the indulgence, seeing as how they’d had to save pennies for months just to come up with enough money to buy a bleacher ticket…or so they said.

Now it’s a whole new ball game so far as souvenirs go. Even independent minor league ballparks have team shops with an astonishingly diverse selection of souvenirs. Parents, rather than lecturing the small fry on the virtues of thrift, are now avid customers. No matter where you go, however, the question remains: “Who buys this stuff?”

Well, exploring “stuff” is the theme of this article. My mission is not one of search and destroy, but research and (where called for) besmirch. Our first field trip takes us to Scottsdale, Ariz.

A few years ago I wandered into the team shop before a Giants spring training game in Scottsdale and was astounded at how much merchandise was for sale that pertained specifically to spring training…pullovers, caps, short and long-sleeve T-shirts, sweatshirts, pennants, etc. all with “Spring Training…Giants…Scottsdale,” or some combination of same imprinted on the attire. The year 2010 was always embedded somewhere in the verbiage. These were not generic spring training items that could be packed away and brought back year after year in Scottsdale.

The Cactus League lasts only a month and the Giants are home only half that time for 15 games or so. How could there possibly be so much merchandise produced for such a short schedule? By April, it would all be obsolete and would have to be marked down and shipped to thrift stores or third world countries. As I write this, there are probably people going about their business in Bangladesh wearing attire emblazoned with “San Francisco Giants…Spring Training 2010…Scottsdale, Ariz.” Well, Bud Selig wanted baseball to go global, but I don’t think that’s what he had in mind.

Such attire might be a status symbol in Dhaka but certainly not in tony Scottsdale. Imagine showing up at Scottsdale Stadium in March 2015 with a 2014 T-shirt! It might play in Peoria, but certainly not in Scottsdale. I could be wrong, though. There may be people out there who have collections of spring training attire they add to every spring, much the way people in New Orleans harvest the annual crop of Mardi Gras doubloons and beads.

While the assortment of merchandise available at spring training and minor league games is impressive, it cannot approach the overwhelming amount of stuff available at the major league ballparks.

Many people visit the team shop during a game. This is a mistake. You’ll see plenty of other people, but you won’t get a good look at the merchandise. In season, visit when the team is on the road; better yet visit during the offseason. There may be a flurry of activity there before Christmas but for the most part it’s a pretty relaxed atmosphere. Like checking the Transactions section of the sports pages or the internet, it’s a reliable way to get a wintertime baseball fix.

I don’t make a habit of hanging around team shops, but during my travels, whenever I visit a ballpark, I like to stop in and see what they’ve got. Most teams offer local variations on standard souvenirs and attire, while others have stuff you just can’t find elsewhere.

In Miami, for example, I noticed the team shop was having a sale on sports bras, presumably with a Marlins logo in some strategic area. Then again, maybe there were two logos, one for each cup. I was not in the market for this particular item of apparel, so I didn’t inspect the merchandise. I can’t say for sure that this item is unique to Miami, but I haven’t seen it in any other team shop.

Well, Miami is a year-round outdoors kind of place, so maybe this product makes sense at this team shop. If you’re looking for earmuffs, knit caps or mittens, then colder climes like Minneapolis or Toronto may be likely venues.

No matter what item you’re looking for, if you find it in an MLB team shop, it will be way overpriced. It’s astounding how much the addition of a team logo can add to the mark-up of some mass-produced trinket. Of course, it is often possible to find team-related merchandise – and not just your local team – at other retail outlets. The selection leaves a lot to be desired, but often there are surprises. One of the unsolved mysteries of the universe is how a Seattle Mariners shot glass finds its way to a Big Lots! in Garland, Texas.

The humble T-shirt with your favorite major league team logo has also been a staple for generations. But only in recent years have so many designs pertaining to the same team become available. Talk about variations on a theme!

Particularly popular are designs with the team’s logo on the front with your favorite player’s name and number on the back. No surprise that stars get this treatment, but some mediocre players are also available. Not mentioning any player names, but why would a fan want to unironically be seen in public with a .240 hitter’s replica T-shirt?

Star or not, once a player is traded, the staff at the team shop swings into action and marks down his T-shirts immediately. I actually recall one player (who shall remain nameless… not to spare him the embarrassment but because I can’t remember his name) whose T-shirt was banished to the clearance rack while he was still with the team. Maybe a bad omen, maybe just supply and demand inexorably separating the winners from the losers.

No matter how much home-team clothing you buy, you wardrobe will never be complete. Just when you think you have it all, the front office reshuffles the deck and changes the team logo and/or colors. Once that happens, all the existing attire becomes obsolete. Die-hard fans are nothing if not current, so they will buy up the new stuff.

During a mid-March 2013 trip to Houston (just as the Astros were set to begin play in the American League), I encountered numerous people wearing brand new Astros T-shirts, replica jerseys, and caps. This, of course, was before the season opened! They couldn’t even wait till April!

You can see the peer pressure at work here. As with electronic gadgetry, if you don’t have the next big thing, you’re hopelessly out of it. Still, I don’t think people were camping out at the Astros team shop awaiting the release of the new attire.

Ah, but even if you’re the first kid on your block to sport the new team colors and logo, don’t throw away those old threads just yet. Sooner or later, that old logo and team colors will be resurrected and the retro design will be offered for sale once more. Everything old is new again. P.T. Barnum’s very words…at least, they should have been.

In fact, given the plethora of contemporary and retro logos, short-sleeves and long sleeves, plus sweatshirts and pullovers, I firmly believe most major league teams could fill up an entire section in their home park with each fan wearing a different team-oriented shirt.

Beyond attire, the sheer volume of MLB merchandise for sale is just as mind-boggling. Now I am especially familiar with Rangers merchandise, but I have no reason to believe other major league teams are any different, though they may not have all the items the Rangers offer.

The first baseball garden gnome I ever saw was in the Rangers team shop. Today this item appears to be a major league staple. I don’t have one, and I can’t think of any reason why I should spend money on one. Still, it might be just the thing to tie my backyard garden together…if I had a backyard garden.

To be sure, the Rangers offer the usual assortment of pint glasses, tumblers, shot glasses, and other drinking vessels. But why stop there? Your paper clips also require a receptacle, and you can get Rangers paper clip holder. And if that doesn’t impress visitors to your office, you can pass out your business cards in a Rangers business card case. Of course, you can also offer them coffee in a Rangers coffee cup. And if your visitor has a sweet tooth, you can offer M&M candy emblazoned with the Rangers logo.

And if you want to undo the effects of that sugar on your gums and teeth, how about a St. Louis Cardinals toothbrush? I actually encountered one of these not at the main team shop at Busch Stadium but at a satellite team shop in Branson, Mo. Sure, it was expensive, but if it promotes oral hygiene among the small fry set, it might be worth every penny.

But back to the Rangers…for the culinary kings and queens, how about a spatula – or is it a sportula? – with the Rangers logo? If that’s not enough, you can get an entire grill set. Or a Rangers bottle stopper.

When I first saw that bottle stopper, I was taken aback, but perhaps I shouldn’t have been. Upon reflection, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that there are people out there who collect bottle stoppers. After all, they don’t take up a lot of space, which is always a consideration when one is out of town and has to fit souvenirs into a suitcase. (My personal favorites are refrigerator magnets, post cards, and team card sets.)

And you need not limit your bottle stopper collection to baseball. During a recent visit to the Lyndon Baines Johnson Presidential Library in Austin, I actually came across a bottle stopper crowned with a mini-bust of LBJ. You can write your own joke here about gas and fermentation vis-à-vis LBJ, but I suspect he is not the only ex-head of state whose head adorns the top of a bottle stopper.

Even if a lot of the merchandise is not to your taste, there’s always gift-giving. You say your girlfriend’s a Rangers fan? Well, what could be more romantic than Rangers earrings – your choice of two designs. Or how about official Rangers red and blue fingernail polish?

For the little princess on your Christmas list, the Cardinals offer a complete line of Hello Kitty merchandise customized with the team’s logo. I can’t say this line is exclusive to the Cardinals, so you might want to scrutinize the merch at your local team shop. At one time the Cubs offered a Barbie doll with a Chicago Cubs jersey. Don’t know if that’s still available or if other teams offered their own version. For all I know, there may be a Bosox Botox Barbie out there too.

Making a weekend road trip to follow your team? How about a trailer hitch cover with your team’s logo? I’m not sufficiently motivated to check every major league web site to see if this particular piece of merchandise is available for all teams, but the Rangers and Cardinals offer this item, and I suspect they have company.

I won’t attempt to offer a complete inventory of merchandise offered by the Rangers, but let’s add just a few more.

Golf club head covers.

Watches.

Baby bibs.

Plush toys.

Screen savers.

Jigsaw puzzles.

Bedspreads.

Pillow case covers.

Throw rugs.

Well, I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Any common household item can have a logo imprinted on it. You could probably come up with a chain store called Baseball, Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Before we move on to the next topic, one such common household item is worth special mention.

I daresay 99 percent of the kitchens in our fair land are equipped with a toaster. So you can see why the Rangers would want to offer one with the team logo. Unlike a trailer hitch cover, this is something almost anyone might buy.

The team logo, however, is not on the toaster itself. Hard to believe but now, Ranger fans can chow down on toast with their team’s logo singed into the bread!

The logo is embedded in the heating coils, so when your toast comes popping out, it includes a big T with a circle around it.

The MLB toaster is an object of wonderment, even if you’re trying to cut carbs. I also saw one of these at the Cardinals team shop in St. Louis, and a brief inspection of a few other team web sites shows that this item is widespread if not ubiquitous.

I’m not sure what’s more surprising: That some product designer actually came up with a product like this, or that someone would actually buy it.

Now if you’re in the market for a toaster anyway, I guess it wouldn’t be a bad idea. But compare the price with that of a conventional toaster you’d buy at Sears or BestBuy or WalMart, and…well, actually there is no comparison. But if you’re a Rangers fan, it could be the greatest thing for sliced bread as well as since sliced bread. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that one can buy a team logo stencil to imprint pats of butter to go along with your team toast.

But it does make one wonder if there aren’t some untapped markets out there. Is there any tangible object out there that won’t accommodate your team’s logo? Is there any tangible object that can’t be marked up outrageously just because it has a logo on it?

Well, maybe. I have looked for MLB toilet paper. It doesn’t seem to be out there. Possibly fans would be confused as to whether one would want one’s most beloved team or one’s most hated team on the paper. Either way, Yankees and Red Sox toilet paper would surely be best-sellers.

Now an adult novelty shop offers any number of possibilities. Can you imagine a vibrator or a penis pump with your favorite team’s logo on it? How about an inflatable doll all dolled up in the attire of your favorite team?

That may sound far-fetched, but some of the merchandise already available is just as surprising. If you’re a do-it-yourself type (or a professional carpenter) in the St. Louis area, you can go to the Cardinals team shop and get a hammer with a Cardinals logo on it (endorsed by Matt Carpenter…no, just kidding). I didn’t see a nail gun…guess the front office still hasn’t signed the papers with Black & Decker on that one.

Once you have your Cardinals hammer, you wouldn’t want to just keep it in any ordinary toolbox – not when you can purchase a toolbox with the iconic intertwined S, T, and L. Imagine showing up at a job site somewhere in metro St. Louis with one of those! Yes, it does make a statement, one that Sears Craftsman could never hope to deliver.

But for the Cardinals fan who has everything, how about a Cardinals pool table? Of course it has a red felt tabletop! And of course that tabletop is emblazoned with the Cardinals logo.

If you already have a pool table, I guess you could dye the felt red and test your artistic talents at recreating the Cardinals logo. If you’re an Oakland A’s fan, the battle is half won because you can use any conventional green-felt pool table and then just add the logo. (Memo to MLB: do marketing study/focus groups re MLB pool cues.)

Obviously, if you’re looking to furnish a man cave, your local MLB team shop is a good place to start. There’s so much merch you could probably fill up a man mansion, if you’re fortunate to have that much elbow room.

I realize that fan or no, you will never encounter anyone putting a gun to your head to buy this stuff. Still, a visit to a well-stocked team shop tells you a lot about MLB and commercialism.

What’s even scarier is it also tells you a lot about contemporary American society.

Again, I raise the question: “Who buys this stuff?”

Perhaps the more important question is: “Why do people buy this stuff?”

And if you can figure that one out, then ask yourself, “Why are they willing to pay so much?”

Well, if fans are willing to overpay for tickets, parking and concessions, why wouldn’t they overpay for merchandise? After all, it’s an integral part of that major league game day experience.