The Year in Frivolity

The year in baseball, as if subject to the presumption that stick-and-ball sports had yet to reach perfection, began like previous years had begun: with new rules that would cause casual fans to mutter, “Uhhhh, that’s a rule now?” and devoted fans to remember, “Oh yeahhhh, that’s a rule now!”

Foremost, Major League Baseball announced in February that, beginning on Opening Day, a manager could politely signal that he hereby wishes to intentionally walk the current batsman, the agreed-upon signal being a public display of moderate dexterity: The manager would clutch a 2004 Barry Bonds baseball card in one hand and a photo of the Cowardly Lion in the other while singing, “I walked the sheriff, but I did not pitch to the deputy.”

Managers also would contend with a new rule limiting them to 30 seconds to challenge an umpire’s ruling and invoke a replay review. In response, several managers prepared for the accelerated decision-making ordeal by dashing into a local Chinese restaurant at half a minute to closing time and selecting a single entree from among the 972 items. Two managers, it should be noted, simply opted for the spring rolls.

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The rules changes arrived after the December announcement of an even bolder revision to contemporary baseball custom. Specifically, the All-Star Game would no longer determine home-field advantage in the World Series. Instead, home field would go to whichever team could best spell “Marc Rzepczynski” without the aid of Marc Rzepczynski. In case of a tie, the teams would enter a sudden-death cage match centered on which team could best pronounce “Mike Foltynewicz” without the aid of Marc Rzepczynski.

In case of another tie, Foltynewicz and Rzepczynski would order spring rolls.

The changes didn’t end with on-field rules and off-field spelling bees. Prior to spring training, MLB replaced the 15-day disabled list with the 10-day DL, meaning fifth starters soon would sustain a lot of nine-and-a-half-day intercostal strains likely caused by attempting to pronounce “Foltynewicz.”

As training camps opened, several veterans voiced displeasure about the length of spring training. One, Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun, told reporters his favorite spring training at-bat is “a first-pitch line-drive double play,” while another, St. Louis starter Carlos Martinez, said his favorite spring training pitch is “a 100-mph fastball that enters a Lorentzian wormhole to create a spatiotemporal shortcut to the ninth inning.” Atlanta reliever Mike Foltynewicz added that the peanut sauce “comes out too slow.”

Of course, not every veteran remained in camp for the duration of spring training. Several played in the World Baseball Classic. What the WBC provided baseball fans, aside from baseball-themed credit card commercials, was the quadrennial debate as to whether stoic Americans or flamboyant Latinos played the game “the right way.” In the end, most fans agreed that baseball bats, whether flipped in animated celebration or laid down in the solemn exercise of humble forbearance, are made of wood.

Thus ended the offseason.

What follows, fellow baseball fans, is a frivolous look at the irregular season.

April

Following his demotion to Triple-A on April 1, Brewers reliever Tyler Cravy tells reporters that he might seek “a 9-to-5 job where I can get treated like a human.” Days later, after discovering “it’s really more like 6-to-8:30ish, and then, you know, just all that paperwork,” Cravy returns to professional baseball and his standard per diem.

In early April, sources reveal that Dodgers ace Clayton Kershaw earns more in annual salary than the entire Padres roster combined. In response, one observer defends the disparity by explaining that “Kershaw will win a lot more games.”

During April’s first week, news out of California is that Angels reliever Blake Parker will spend the season living in a recreational vehicle. Days later, the Rangers respond to Sam Dyson’s string of blown saves by providing the closer with a similar dwelling: a houseboat, set adrift in the North Atlantic somewhere south of Bermuda.

Reports out of Seattle on April 7 are that spectators at Safeco Field this season can purchase a concession snack called chapulines, i.e, toasted grasshoppers. Meanwhile, reports out of Tampa are that spectators at Tropicana Field, where average annual attendance is about 16,000 per game, can continue to listen to crickets.

On April 10, San Francisco news outlets report that a grease fire erupted in an AT&T Park concession stand. Afterward, fire investigators reveal that the blaze started when a spark contacted a carelessly stored ball from Gaylord Perry’s 1968 no-hitter.

On April 12, two lanes of I-75 near the Braves’ new SunTrust Park are closed after hundreds of foam Tomahawks spill from a truck to the roadway. In what most observers call a coincidence, team officials simultaneously discover that the Braves’ 1-6 start is largely due to their use of 21-inch foam bats from Toys “R” Us.

In Pittsburgh on April 12, Pirates Antonio Bastardo, Starling Marte and Gregory Polanco team up to rescue a bird after a ball struck it during batting practice. Meanwhile, in San Diego, team officials continue to care for a rock pigeon that nested and later laid eggs on a Jered Weaver fastball.

During a pregame ceremony at Wrigley Field, the Cubs distribute World Series rings to players who participated in the 2016 Fall Classic. In a separate ceremony, the Cubs convene members of the 2003 team and, in lieu of other jewelry, give them commemorative chokers.

In a mid-April game against Minnesota, the White Sox start an all-Garcia outfield–Avisail in right field, Leurys in center and Willy in left. Meanwhile, in Kansas City, the Angels’ attempt at an all-Trout outfield falls short when a team employee mishandles the pluripotent stem cell during cloning efforts.

On April 21, Madison Bumgarner reveals that he injured a shoulder in a recent dirt bike accident. Questioned about the cause, the Giants ace admits he lost focus because he was glaring at L.A.’s Yasiel Puig via FaceTime.

On April 24, the City of San Francisco reveals plans to name a street near Candlestick Park after former Giants star Barry Bonds. Asked if the street will remain clear during the ceremonies, a spokesperson replies, “Yes, because keeping it clear is considerably easier than keeping it cream.”

Following his leadoff homer in Oakland’s April 22 game against Seattle, A’s shortstop Adam Rosales betters his own Statcast record by circling the bases in 15.9 seconds. Afterward, one observer says he hasn’t seen “a trot that fast since the stadium held its famed Prune Churro Night.”

Following a three-game series in Milwaukee, Atlanta’s Freddie Freeman tells the media that Miller Park is like a “bad-lit Little League field.” Questioned afterward, the Brewers are silent on the subject, primarily because they are busy searching for Zach Davies’ lunch money in the outfield grass.

May

On May 7, starter Matt Harvey says he will file a grievance against the Mets over the unpaid suspension he received for failing to appear at Citi Field for a game against Miami. Asked when he will file, Harvey answers, “After I hit snooze.”

To celebrate the most memorable moments of former shortstop Derek Jeter’s career, MLB on May 9 introduces a bracket-style competition called The Jeet 16. Meanwhile, to celebrate “any moments you might recall from the career of reliever Joe Beimel,” MLB also introduces what it ambitiously calls The Beimel 4.

In the sixth inning of a Cardinals-Marlins game in Miami, a female fan sitting behind home plate attempts to distract St. Louis reliever Brett Cecil by exposing and jiggling her sizable bosom. Afterward, the Cardinals praise their advance scouting reports, boasting that they identified the seat as having a “high bust potential.”

In the stands at the May 15 Rays-Indians game, actor Matthew McConaughey is seen wearing a cap that reads, “Alright,” in recognition of his famous line in the movie Dazed and Confused. Hoping to likewise convey a movie-based message while avoiding a copyright infringement suit, Padres manager Andy Green is later seen in the clubhouse in a cap that reads, “I see dread, people.”

With the Jays trailing, 8-3, during a mid-May game in Atlanta, outfielder Jose Bautista instigates a benches-clearing incident by demonstratively flipping his bat following his solo home run against reliever Eric O’Flaherty. Hours later, in the run-up to the series finale, Braves GM John Hart makes a bold but unsurprising trade by sending three top prospects to Texas in exchange for Rougned Odor.

On May 18, news out of Milwaukee is that Brewers Oliver Drake, Corey Knebel and Eric Thames will help develop a limited-release beer to be offered at Miller Park later in the season. In hopes of likewise capitalizing on their team names, National League Central peers Cincinnati and Pittsburgh develop similar plans, the Reds by having Joey Votto embrace the theories of Karl Marx and the Pirates by having Jordy Mercer steal cable.

As part of his May 21 commencement address at Yale, Cubs GM Theo Epstein tells graduating seniors that “if you look hot, wear it.” Later, Epstein provides additional career advice by telling graduates that “if you have the No. 2 pick in the 2013 first-year player draft, use it on Kris Bryant.”

In late May comes the news that online auctioneer Lelands.com will auction the contract that sent Babe Ruth from the Red Sox to the Yankees. Later comes the news that in an attempt to “totally sweeten the deal, no strings attached,” the Yankees will throw in the seven-year, $153 million contract that likewise sent Jacoby Ellsbury from the Red Sox to the Yankees.

In the first inning of a game against Arizona, Dodgers switch-hitter Yasmani Grandal steps to the plate wearing the wrong helmet, i.e., the one he typically wears when batting right-handed and not left-handed. Asked afterward to explain himself, Grandal replies, “If you look at video of our recent games, you’ll see that opponents have been pitching me backward.”

In late May, Rays starter Chris Archer reveals that he owes much of his 2017 success to “mindfulness,” the belief that “the mind creates matter.” Meanwhile, following a disastrous outing that pushes his ERA to 6.56, Yankees starter Masahiro Tanaka reveals that he owes much of his failure to “reality,” a condition in which “the arm creates terrible pitches.”

On May 24, former Red Sox star David Ortiz promotes a Boston giveaway contest by appearing in a video in which he reenacts famous scenes from Boston movies such as Good Will Hunting and Fever Pitch. Meanwhile, after falling, 6-5, to the Padres, the Mets reenact a famous scene from a Fargo movie by feeding their dismembered roster into a woodchipper.

In Boston, the Rangers establish a franchise record by striking out 20 times–including four in the ninth inning–in a 6-2 loss to the Red Sox. Mindful of baseball’s pace-of-play initiative and its recent tweaking of the rules, teams respond by suggesting that, whenever a Ranger steps to the plate, managers be allowed to hold up three fingers to signal an intentional K.

Following a 10-day homestand in late May, the Cubs embark on an Anchorman-themed road trip in which players dress as characters from the 2004 comedy. Meanwhile, following a 9-4 loss to Pittsburgh in which starter Bartolo Colon yielded seven runs in five innings to push his ERA to 6.96, the Braves conduct a loose reenactment of the 1984 cult classic Repo Man by leaving Colon unsecured outside a small rental property in hopes that a creditor will come get him.

In the first inning of a home game against the Angels, Miami’s Giancarlo Stanton belts a 462-foot home run that leaves a visible dent in the batter’s eye beyond the center field fence. Afterward, in what some call a continued demonstration of front-office incompetence, management further damages the stadium when they slam it into a bridge abutment while towing it in for an estimate.

June

On June 1, the Mets dismiss the person who occupied the Mr. Met costume after the mascot flipped the middle finger at fans a night earlier. In a related development, the Phillies dismiss their own mascot, the Phillie Phanatic, for making a gesture that many observers consider more obscene: opening his trenchcoat to reveal the aggregate ERA of the Phillies pitching staff.

In the fourth inning of the June 1 Brewers-Mets game at Citi Field, a Mets batboy compounds the team’s recent difficulties by interfering with third baseman Wilmer Flores during his unsuccessful attempt to catch a foul popup. In response, management punishes the young man by demanding that he “sit there and continue to watch the Mets.”

In batting practice prior to a game in Toronto, Yankees right fielder Aaron Judge amazes onlookers by swatting a pair of drives off the Rogers Centre hotel located beyond the upper deck. In related news, major league strikeout leader Chris Davis also amazes onlookers by swinging at a Super 8 and missing it.

In early June, Phillies outfielder Odubel Herrera tells an interviewer he will continue flipping his bat even if it means taking a fastball to the ribs. Meanwhile, Rangers third baseman Adrian Beltre tells an interviewer that he will continue not wearing a cup even if it means taking a groundball to the beans.

In early June, former D-backs star and current team adviser Luis Gonzalez comes to the aid of an elderly woman by pulling her from a car following a fiery head-on collision. Upon hearing the news, Phillies GM Matt Klentak contacts Gonzalez to ask for similar help, but in a succinct explanation Gonzalez claims he is ill-prepared for Dumpster fires.

During June’s first week, MLB puts up for auction the jersey San Francisco’s Hunter Strickland wore during his May 29 brawl with Washington’s Bryce Harper. Later, reasoning that “he hasn’t used it since a warm Texas night in August of ‘93,” MLB also puts up for auction the manly pride of Robin Ventura.

On June 6, Hall of Famer Mike Schmidt tells a Philadelphia radio station the Phillies can’t build around outfielder Odubel Herrera because Herrera’s native language is Spanish. In a separate development, a spokesperson for the La Brea Tar Pits and Museum announces that Schmidt has been named its new chief research officer because–quote–“he speaks fluent Dinosaur.”

In early June, a New York appeals court upholds a lower court ruling that Mets owners Fred Wilpon and Saul Katz cannot build a mall on city-owned park land adjacent to Citi Field. Afterward, Wilpon expresses disappointment in the ruling, adding, “The only thing that might have concealed the awful stench of our season is the presence of a nearby Cinnabon.”

During the June 6 Red Sox-Yankees telecast, Boston broadcaster Jerry Remy asserts that Yankees starter Masahiro Tanaka should not be allowed a translator on the mound. A day later, in a gesture that some call ironic, Remy tweets an apology with translation by Mike Schmidt.

In the aftermath of former FBI Director James Comey’s June 8 hearing before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Arizona Senator John McCain blames his confused line of questioning on staying up late a night earlier watching the Diamondbacks game on television. Minutes hence, California Sen. Dianne Feinstein credits her incisive line of inquiry to turning off “the Giants game in the third inning and going straight to bed.”

After homering against Indians starter Trevor Bauer during a game at Progressive Field, L.A.’s Yasiel Puig responds to a group of hecklers by flipping the middle finger of each hand. Asked later about the gesture, Puig says he was merely informing them of the pitch count.

In the second inning of a Braves-Nats game, second base umpire Alan Porter drops an f-bomb on Daniel Murphy after the Washington second baseman asked the umpire to move from his line of sight. Afterward, Porter tells reporters that he “erred in judgment,” adding that if he could do it again, he would simply use his fingers to inform Murphy that the count is 1-1.

After Yasiel Puig spends time admiring his homer in a game against the Mets, New York’s Yoenis Cespedes stops the L.A. outfielder between innings to tell him to “run a little bit faster.” Meanwhile, in what some call a similar irony, Twins infielder Ehire Adrianza stops White Sox infielder Alen Hanson during a game in Minnesota to tell him “to be a little bit less obscure.”

Upon beating out an infield single in a game against the A’s, Miami’s Ichiro Suzuki becomes the all-time leader in interleague hits, with 365. Asked for comment, all-time hits leader Pete Rose contends that hits in the American League shouldn’t count.

In late June, sources report that the faltering Mets are “open for business” and will listen to offers for any of several players. Days later, the Cubs report seeing infielder Asdrubal Cabrera in a local bargain bin, between a John Grisham novel and a 4 Non Blondes CD.

Following a spate of injuries to Mets players, broadcaster Ron Darling criticizes trainers for their apparent shortcomings, adding, “(G)et them in a room with some of the old trainers (to learn) how to keep them healthy.” Days later, the team decides to heed Darling’s advice by implementing a strict protocol of rubbing dirt onto ailments while drinking Scotch.

After the Nationals steal seven bases during a late-June game against the Cubs, Chicago catcher Miguel Montero blames his poor performance on the slow delivery of starter Jake Arrieta. Upon waiting 14 hours to publicly respond, the Cubs blame the delay on the slow delivery of Montero’s DFA.

July

As July opens, The Dallas Morning News reports that Rangers slugger Joey Gallo has declined an invitation to the All-Star Game’s annual Home Run Derby. Instead, the newspaper adds, Gallo will enter as odds-on favorite in the inaugural Swing-’N-Miss Tournament presented by The Chevy Chase Show.

On July 1, sources reveal that Boston starter David Price confronted Hall of Fame pitcher and NESN analyst Dennis Eckersley on a team flight to Toronto in late June. According to witnesses, Price became agitated after Eckersley refused to pose for his popular photo calendar, Men’s Hairstyles of 1979.

In early July, Puerto Rico Gov. Ricky Rossello appoints former major league catcher Ivan Rodriguez to a delegation that will travel to Washington, D.C., to petition Congress to grant statehood to the Caribbean island. Sensing an opportunity, hundreds of Padres fans follow suit by inviting former San Diego catcher Doug Gwosdz to join a delegation that will seek identical status for their State Of Perennial Despair.

On July 3, days after major league baseball established a single-month home run record of 1,070, MLB denies the ball is juiced, claiming, “The baseball in use today tests well within the established guidelines on every key performance metric.” Days later, an investigation reveals that the key metrics are 1) The Wade Boggs’ 1987 Coefficient Of Restitution and 2) The Aerodynamic Drag Coefficient of Brady Anderson’s 1996 Campaign.

With the Cubs trailing the Brewers, 11-2, in the ninth inning at Wrigley Field, Chicago outfielder Jon Jay takes the mound in mop-up duty and yields just one single and zero runs with pitches that all register under 67 mph. Afterward, Jay reports that not only did he enjoy his mound performance, he also received a Safe Pitching Bonus Check from Allstate.

During a July 11 interview, Nationals star Bryce Harper suggests that, instead of having fans choose All-Star rosters, the leading vote-getter in each league be permitted to pick his own team in a draft-style format. Upon learning of Harper’s suggestion, bespectacled Brewers infielder Eric Sogard immediately contacts bespectacled Giants infielder Kelby Tomlinson in advance of initiating a class-action discrimination lawsuit.

Prior to his sixth-inning at-bat in the All-Star Game, Seattle’s Nelson Cruz removes a cell phone from his pocket, hands it to NL catcher Yadier Molina and has Molina take a photo while he (Cruz) poses with plate umpire Joe West. In the seventh inning, Mets outfielder Michael Conforto attempts to one-up Cruz by removing a cell phone from his pocket, handing it to AL catcher Gary Sanchez and having Sanchez call Commissioner Manfred to ask for a better umpire.

Reports on July 17 are that the Dodgers have initiated efforts to sell naming rights to Dodger Stadium for $12 million per season. Acknowledging the dearth of bidders who can meet the asking price, the Dodgers concede that the new name will be either Yankee Stadium West or Absurdly Rich Owner Of A Ballpark Concession Stand Where A Hot Dog Is, Like, $6.50 Ballpark.

On July 20, a survey commissioned by a prominent website reveals that the Yankees are the most hated team in baseball. Days later, a second survey reveals that water is wet, the sky is blue, the sun is hot, the moon is round and the Yankees are on national TV tonight.

In late July, sources reveal that Topps has eliminated the Chief Wahoo logo from its card designs. Meanwhile, in hopes of receiving comparable praise for eliminating similarly offensive material, Donruss announces that it has erased “from all pertinent cards the yearly batting averages of Ed Brinkman.”

Prior to Colorado’s July 21 game against the Pirates, third baseman Nolan Arenado surprises teammates by hiring a DJ to play music during Rockies batting practice. Days later, prior to a San Diego game, third baseman Cory Spangenberg surprises no one by hiring a man to stand nearby during Padres batting practice while playing the sad trombone.

On July 31, WGN reports that the Cubs plan to present an official 2016 World Series Championship ring to Steve Bartman, the fan made infamous by interfering with a foul-catch attempt in Game Six of the 2003 NLCS. WGN also reports that in efforts to make the gift more meaningful, the club will invite former starter Mark Prior to give the ring to Bartman and former left fielder Moises Alou to immediately slap it away.

August

As August begins, the Arizona Republic reports that MLB will consider moving the Diamondbacks out of Phoenix if the county government doesn’t pay for necessary repairs to Chase Field. First among repair suggestions, the newspaper reports, is removing the “No Running” and “No Diving” signs from the outfield and returning them to the swimming pool.

In early August, Mets pitcher Noah Syndergaard makes a cameo on Game of Thrones as a Lannister soldier who throws a spear to kill a Dothraki soldier’s horse. Meanwhile, following a game against the Mariners, Rangers second baseman Rougned Odor makes a cameo on Baseball Tonight as a Rangers infielder who throws an errant relay to kill the Rangers’ chance at a win.

After St. Louis catcher Yadier Molina hits a go-ahead grand slam in the wake of a stray cat’s appearance during a game against Kansas City, the Cardinals attempt to adopt the cat as their Rally Kitten only to learn it’s gone missing. Subsequent efforts to locate the cat are just partly successful when the Cardinals learn that the rival Cubs confiscated the feline and sent it to an AL team as part of an earlier deal that included “future cats considerations.”

In an Aug. 9 trade with Texas, the Mariners acquire veteran relief pitcher Ernesto Frieri in exchange for $1. One month later, reports emerge that after seeing Frieri pitch to a 5.35 ERA in 12 innings with Triple-A Tacoma, the Mariners called the Rangers to ask for their change.

Upon his August return to the Giants following his release by the Red Sox, third baseman Pablo Sandoval writes an online essay “to apologize to the Giants” for negative comments he made. Days later, “to guard against any future bridges I might burn,” Sandoval writes a second essay to “pre-apologize to the Nippon Ham Fighters.”

Following his fifth-inning ejection by plate umpire Angel Hernandez during a game against the Rangers, Detroit second baseman Ian Kinsler tells reporters that Hernandez “needs to find another job.” Quickly responding, Hernandez claims he has looked for another job but that “currently there are no openings at the Institute for Arrogant Underperformers.”

Days after Ian Kinsler’s public criticism of umpire Angel Hernandez, major league umpires decide to protest what they perceive as a lack of support from the commissioner’s office by wearing white wristbands during games. A day later, the umpires end their protest upon realizing that, rather than draw attention to the issue, they have merely raised awareness of the ridiculousness of white wristbands.

September

As September begins, the Miami Herald reports that the Marlins’ incoming ownership group is planning to slash payroll in part so that Derek Jeter can pay himself $5 million a year to run baseball operations. In a second report, headlined “In Jeter’s Defense,” one source claims that while considering other salaries, “Jeter did range from $4.99999 million to $5.00001 million.”

Per a Sept. 5 article in The New York Times, MLB has determined that the Red Sox illegally stole signs from the Yankees by using an Apple watch. Later, a second article reveals that the Padres, batting a major league-low .233, have been stealing signs with an ancient equatorial sundial.

Upon striking out in a game against the Rockies, San Francisco third baseman Pablo Sandoval establishes a franchise record with his 38th consecutive hitless at-bat. Afterward, one local observer says he hasn’t seen “a hitless streak that long since Tito Fuentes recorded 38 separate versions of The Ballad of Johnnie LeMaster.”

In an escalation of the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry, the Red Sox on Sept. 7 deliver to the commissioner’s office what they consider video evidence of the Yankees stealing signs–specifically, footage of a YES Network cameraman focusing on Boston bench coach Gary DiSarcina. Claiming innocence, the Yankees contend that, in fact, the network has given DiSarcina his own reality show, tentatively titled A Middle-Aged Man Flashes Gang Signs in the Visitors Dugout, Oddly Enough.

Weeks after umpire Gerry Davis ejected Texas third baseman Adrian Beltre for moving the on-deck circle, the Rangers honor the event by handing out miniature on-deck circle mousepads prior to a game against the Yankees. Days later, the Rays borrow the computer theme by offering an Internet dial-up modem to anyone who can recall why they built the stadium in St. Petersburg.

After receiving a one-time exception from the City Council, the Cubs play the first-ever Friday night game at Wrigley Field when they face the Brewers beginning at 7:07 p.m. on Sept. 8. Immediately following their 2-0 loss, several Cubs say that while they aren’t using the Friday night lights as an excuse, they did get distracted by both the marching band and the drill team.

Per reports on Sept. 12, the players association has given MLB the go-ahead to implement a pitch clock beginning in 2018. According to subsequent reports, the pitch clock will be sponsored by Adderall–“the official attention-deficit drug of Major League Baseball”–and include a crawler featuring live updates on other pitch clocks around baseball.

In a Sept. 13 article, the Kyodo News reports that Japanese two-way star Shohei Otani wants to play in the major leagues beginning in 2018 despite the fact that the Collective Bargaining Agreement will severely limit his salary. In response, the Yankees announce an “internship program for two-way Japanese baseball stars, with pay starting at $200M/6 years–apply within, Shohei Otani!”

On Sept. 13, the San Francisco Chronicle reports that the A’s have settled on a location for a new ballpark, to be ready for play in 2023. The newspaper also reports that in efforts to ease the transition from Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum, architects will design a stadium featuring 30,000 permanently empty seats and a locker room that smells of Jed Lowrie’s poo.

With the Sept. 15-17 Brewers-Marlins series relocated from Miami to Milwaukee because of hurricane Irma, the Brewers attempt to make the Marlins feel at home by positioning fake palm trees and plastic flamingos throughout Miller Park. Taking an additional step, the Brewers try to augment the homey sentiment by creating an atmosphere of habitual apathy.

In the third quarter of the Sept. 18 Monday Night Football game, Detroit quarterback Matthew Stafford audibles to a new play by citing childhood friend Clayton Kershaw, calling, “Kershaw! Kershaw!” At roughly the same time, in the sixth inning of a game against the Phillies, Kershaw yields a grand slam to Aaron Altherr on an 88-mph slider, leading some to conclude that he should have audibled, “Curveball! Curveball!”

On Sept. 21, the Rangers release the latest renderings of their planned new ballpark, scheduled to open for the 2020 season. Included in the renderings are a pair of long-held Ranger ambitions: first, a retractable roof, and second, a retractable seven-year contract for outfielder Shin-Soo Choo.

After knocking over a fan’s nachos while diving into the stands during a Cubs-Cardinals game, Chicago shortstop Addison Russell approaches the fan between innings to deliver a fresh tray of the ballpark snack. Later, while ranging to make another defensive play, Russell also knocks over a Chicago hot dog, though subsequent reports are that Javier Baez “will be fine.”

On Sept. 26, nearly a year after a drone accident caused him to miss time in the 2016 American League Championship Series, Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer announces via Twitter that someone has stolen his drone. Days later, after sightings of a flying object are reported throughout the Midwest, an investigation reveals that the object was not Bauer’s drone but was, in fact, White Sox broadcaster Ken Harrelson at last being launched into the sun.

Just prior to throwing out the ceremonial first pitch before a game between the Orioles and the Pirates, rapper Wiz Khalifa makes a marijuana-smoking gesture while wearing a pro-pot T-shirt. Asked afterward about the performance, Pirates manager Clint Hurdle says Khalifa “looked good,” though he prefers that pitchers not work “high in the zone.”

On Sept. 30, Tigers utilityman Andrew Romine becomes the fifth player in major league history to play all nine positions in one game when he goes LF-CF-RF-3B-SS-2B-C-2B-P-1B in Detroit’s 3-2 victory against Minnesota. Later the same evening, in Arlington, former Texas starter Mike Napoli is credited with just three positions: sitting, scratching and leaning over to spit.

At Tropicana Field on Oct. 1, veteran reliever Sergio Romo uses the Rays’ season finale versus Baltimore as an opportunity to serve as the team’s unofficial bat boy. Meanwhile, in the bullpen, fellow reliever Chaz Roe uses the finale as an opportunity to serve as the team’s unofficial Backstreet Boy, meaning he remains relatively obscure but still somehow employable.