The Screwball: Comedy Is in the (Baseball) Cards 3

Pedro Guerrero is cooler than you are. Unless of course you are Pedro Guerrero.

Pedro Guerrero is cooler than you are. Unless of course you are Pedro Guerrero.

As a discerning baseball fan, you are surely in need of another quiz. Here it is.

A Harris

Greg Harris:
A) is searching for his glove and thinks he just spotted it.
B) enjoys directing foot traffic while in full crackpot regalia.
C) is pointing to a bidder at the annual Leather Toupée Auction.
D) believes he might have a wardrobe problem but can’t quite put a finger on it.

A Dykstra

Len Dykstra:
A) is running anchor on the Mets’ 4×400-meter relay team.
B) is shooting anabolic steroids with an oversized antique needle.
C) prefers to be armed when charging the mound.
D) is trying to return this toilet plunger before the store closes.

A Nichols

Carl Nichols:
A) is none too pleased with last night’s Cagney & Lacey.
B) doesn’t like the cut of Mickey Tettleton’s jib.
C) is the unwitting muse for a young, impressionable Ice Cube.
D) is thinking, “No way this team starts 0-21.”

A Pacella

John Pacella:
A) is a skilled practitioner of “vigorous ballcap yo-yo.”
B) is auditioning for the lead role in The Dennis Eckersley Story.
C) is delivering his opinion on the proposed salary cap.
D) throws a tantrum with every fastball.

A Millan

Felix Millan:
A) is the reigning MVP of the All Hit-And-Run League.
B) really chokes up during the national anthem.
C) owns a Chiroptera extermination company called Exquisite Bat Control.
D) has broken his fingers 3,472 times on inside fastballs.

A Gross

Greg Gross:
A) is sad that his name is Gross.
B) wonders if palm trees feel pain.
C) views existence as void of meaning and purpose.
D) is pondering why Larry Bowa always gets the last bag of sunflower seeds.

A McGraw

A Hardball Times Update
Goodbye for now.

Tug McGraw:
A) says, “When you think about it, isn’t everyone 3-D?”
B) is still questioning the validity of 3-D space, because his screwball breaks on two planes.
C) is low in WHIP but high in carbohydrates.
D) would rather have been in a box of Special K.

A Choo

Shin-Soo Choo:
A) is laughing at the idea that a Ranger will get injured while laughing.
B) is pretending to enjoy the photographer’s “gesundheit” joke.
C) is having fun at the annual Mad-Libs Day.
D) makes no secret of his appraisal of Kim Jong-un’s haircut.

A Tekulve

Kent Tekulve:
A) just learned that he placed 324,738th in the search for the new James Bond.
B) is listening to a blunt rejection of his script, Top Sidearm.
C) has a bumper sticker that reads, “My Other Shades Are Wayfarers.”
D) imagines Blackbeard himself wore tinted lenses.

A Garland

Wayne Garland:
A) comes in handy for scrubbing sinks and toilets.
B) describes his hair as “luxuriant mid-’70s shag.”
C) often provides wool to the American textile industry.
D) hears “bow chicka bow wow” wherever he goes.

A Sutcliffe

Rick Sutcliffe:
A) is bad at doing the Y-M-C-A.
B) is good at doing the Y-O-C-A.
C) is just really proud of his elbows.
D) is performing a yoga pose called the outward-facing Sutcliffe.

A Bench

Johnny Bench:
A) says there’s a new sheriff in town, and means it.
B) is annoyed by Pete Rose’s desert sage incense.
C) hates playing baseball in a hookah lounge.
D) is wearing the required safety equipment during the VFD’s controlled burn.

A Guerrero

Pedro Guerrero:
A) likes to wear his uniform to singles bars.
B) plays OF, 1B, 3B and “the field.”
C) is laughing at the notion of a 1981 baseball strike.
D) thinks Candy Maldonado is a funny name.

A Breining

Fred Breining:
A) is about to teach his third-period history class.
B) says, “They’re Diet Coke bottles, actually.”
C) refuses to look at empty seats no matter how well he might see them.
D) had to stand very still so the artist could complete the airbrushing.

A DeJesus

Ivan DeJesus:
A) enjoys bunting against clubhouse attendants.
B) is asking an usher, “Would you like to pinch-hit?”
C) is demonstrating the best way to smuggle a Cuban cigar.
D) is explaining how, exactly, he drove in just 13 runs in 403 at-bats.

A Flannery

Tim Flannery:
A) is one of the few players who actually like the wave.
B) often takes infield practice in gnarly shore break.
C) enjoys surfin’ turf.
D) also enjoys waterskiing on basketball courts.

A Sosa E.

Elias Sosa:
A) has an unusual windup, that’s for sure.
B) thinks he hears a mouse, but realizes it’s a first baseman.
C) wants to be sure that no one steals anything, such as second base.
D) fears that retirement is gaining on him.

A Wash

Ron Washington:
A) has bestowed the name “Twins” on his testicles.
B) uses Louisville Slugger Security to protect those twins.
C) is equally proud of the name he gave his curls: Jheri.
D) has not considered moving two-year-old Nelson Cruz deeper in right field.

A Carlton

Steve Carlton:
A) doesn’t understand the definition of “painter’s cap.”
B) is also wearing a painted-on cup.
C) is rarely fooled by forgeries at the Louvre.
D) says next time, “I’ll paint my own corners.”

A Henderson S.

Steve Henderson:
A) hasn’t quite mastered the one-man limbo.
B) is practicing for the upcoming light-saber joust.
C) is impersonating his shadow.
D) will see his hard work pay off by posting 11 sacrifice bunts in a 12-year career.

A Paciorek

Tom Paciorek:
A) is trying to avoid the speeding, oversized shuttlecock aimed at his chest.
B) is trying to avoid the speeding, undersized space shuttle aimed at his chest.
C) is trying to avoid the speeding, regular-sized ketchup bottle aimed at his chest.
D) is about to launch a 300-mph warm-up toss.

A Boone

Bob Boone:
A) is demonstrating the classic white man’s overbite.
B) is preparing to take a cannonball to the gut.
C) is, with the umpire, engaged in a standard soap-opera pose.
D) is in the habit of making crude gestures at oncoming runners.

A Herrmann

Ed Herrmann:
A) is comfortable in his patented Earmuff Cap.
B) has opened a Tribble nursery inside each ear.
C) is concealing a pair of expensive feather earrings.
D) can’t hear the criticisms of Green Undershirt Day.

A Sierra

Ruben Sierra:
A) will lend you an ear, though usually the wrong ear.
B) enjoys the musical stylings of Kriss Kross.
C) is wearing his jockstrap such that the pouch is in his butt crack.
D) has been struck once too often by the return throw from catcher.

A McGregor

Scott McGregor:
A) is auditioning for a group of Baltimore-based contortionists.
B) is actually a lifesized bendy straw.
C) just suffered a really gross arm fracture.
D) enjoys pitching in front of large, luminous Froot Loops.

A Pena

Tony Pena:
A) is unaware that a tiny pair of legs is growing from his forearm.
B) is aware that a tiny pair of legs is growing from his forearm, but just doesn’t care.
C) has recustomized the classic arrow-through-the-head gag.
D) says, “The ‘P’ is for Peña, patently.”

A Perez

Tony Perez:
A) is the league leader in pattycake/9.
B) has convinced Eric Davis that he’s facing a mirror.
C) can count to 20, but only if he borrows a teammate.
D) has just done the math, and 44 minus 20 really does equal 24.

A Ford

Dan Ford:
A) is, by coincidence, a big fan of England Dan & John Ford Coley.
B) knows that objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.
C) wants the Angels – in his words – to “be spectacles.”
D) would love to have a 20/20 season.

A Murphy

David Murphy:
A) enjoys leaping, but only in front of even numbers.
B) is marketing his new line of active wear, CinAriMia: “Sinful. Dry. Italian.”
C) is flubbing his Peter Pan audition.
D) has grown weary of being stapled awkwardly to scoreboards.

A Konerko

Paul Konerko:
A) is proving, as a catcher, that first impressions are often wrong.
B) will soon begin his first-baseman impression, make no mistake about it.
C) is upset that his De Niro sounds more like a Pacino.
D) is giving Piazza the stink-eye.

A Hanley

Hanley Ramirez:
A) is performing the most casual Iron Cross in gymnastics history.
B) likes to amuse David Ortiz by pretending he’s a Cessna.
C) is signaling unsportsmanlike though humorous conduct.
D) comes with fries and a large Papi.

A Gibson

Kirk Gibson:
A) is signaling, incorrectly, that he’s about to take a left.
B) is proud to bear the Olympic torch (not pictured).
C) is trying desperately to get the auctioneer’s attention.
D) just hates it when his Right Guard won’t dry.

A Baines

Harold Baines:
A) is, with Jesse Barfield, bathed in the glow of a DynaTAC cellphone.
B) is getting a shoulder massage from Papa Smurf.
C) has convinced Barfield that the photographer is over yonder.
D) took time to spike the punch, obviously.

A Wilson

Willie Wilson:
A) is being interviewed about that giant strand of illuminated linguini.
B) is telling the interviewer, “You think that’s big, you should see the garlic bread!”
C) is also telling him, “The forecast calls for continued flurries of parmesan cheese.”
D) is also telling him, “I’ll probably skip dessert.”

A Folkers

Rich Folkers:
A) is enjoying his time at Fantasy Camp.
B) likes to dress up as a St. Louis Cardinal on Halloween.
C) is actually George Plimpton.
D) went 6-2 with an ERA of 3.00 last season, as a matter of fact.

A Pujols

Albert Pujols:
A) spent last night watching Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
B) has considered producing Close Encounters of the Second Inning.
C) is now producing I Just Popped Up to the First Baseman.
D) hates when an air raid interrupts an at-bat.

A Ray

Chris Ray:
A) is terrible at auditioning for shampoo commercials.
B) hates the smell of Napalm in the morning, loves the smell of armpits in the evening.
C) will do anything to make his jersey less readable.
D) hides Easter eggs in fairly obvious places.

A Verlander

Justin Verlander:
A) just flubbed his dismount.
B) is asking a tall cobbler to fix his right shoe.
C) knows the other skaters can’t match his artistic expression.
D) is signaling that he’ll make 35 starts in this the 2009 season.

A Franco J.

Julio Franco:
A) wonders why he’s on the cover of a Baptist church pamphlet.
B) hates your jokes about his “cartoonish” stance.
C) is ready for the Bugs Bunny change-up.
D) is often accused of big-headedness, but says it’s “just meningitis.”

A Sosa

Sammy Sosa:
A) is a frequent user of Scotts Turf & Scalp Builder.
B) often leases his hair to the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews.
C) has been declared a fire hazard on three occasions.
D) other.

John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.
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87 Cards
7 years ago

1. Power of suggestion–that slim frame and high stirrups behind Tony Peña might be Kent Tekulve. Props to Kent T–successful heart transplant receiver over the winter of 14-15.

2. Tony Pérez and Eric Davis–real answer–celebrating the Big Doggie’s 373 HR off of the Cubs’ Ray Fontenot on May 21, 1985 at Wrigley Field. Thanks to Bruce Markusen for getting the Baseball Card Mystery into my fandom.

3. Rich Folkers might have recently thrown up in the bullpen–it just Jerry Coleman from his next team, the Padres, to spot it in 1974 or 1975.

John Paschal
7 years ago
Reply to  87 Cards

Good stuff, 87 Cards! How the heck did you figure out the Perez image?

Also, great find on the Coleman-Folkers quote!

7 years ago

I thought Ed Herrmann was the inspiration for Princess Leia.

John Paschal
7 years ago
Reply to  Carl

Nice! One wonders: Were Herrman more follicularly challenged, would he have sported an Obi-Wan Kenombover?*

*Full disclosure: This might be the worst joke I’ve ever written.

(the other) Walter
7 years ago

I laughed so hard at these three that the guy in the next cube came over to see what was going on:

B) says, “They’re Diet Coke bottles, actually.”
A) has bestowed the name “Twins” on his testicles.
B) has opened a Tribble nursery inside each ear.

John Paschal
7 years ago

This is my function in life: making the American* workforce slightly less productive, one punchline at a time.

* Applies to portions of Canada, as well.

7 years ago

Many of these are funny, but I wonder why there’s so much high-school humor about eyeglasses. Surely nobody on your staff was ever teased for wearing them, eh?

John Paschal
7 years ago
Reply to  Blake

Why? Because it’s easier than high-school humor about contact lenses, that’s why!

(Let it be known that I wore braces through all four years of high school.)

7 years ago

all I can say is that I have every one of these baseball cards, and 24,000 more or so. good memories

John Paschal
7 years ago
Reply to  Eric

Permit me to do the math here: 24,000 x 4 … carry the one, hoist the two, shoulder the three, haul the pi r squared ….

OK, if my calculations are correct, that adds up to 96,000 punchlines. I think I can do it, but you’re gonna have to give me the weekend.

In seriousness, I agree. Good memories. Baseball cards are amazingly evocative. If you’re interested, I actually wrote a two-part piece that touched on these cardboard evocations. A great journey, it was.

7 years ago

Great stuff, again!

On the penultimate card, I fear that Julio Franco got into Ken Griffey’s stash of brain & nerve tonic.

John Paschal
7 years ago
Reply to  Scooter
Scott Ferkovich
7 years ago

Tom Paciorek: Enjoys a nice nipple massage, just like everybody else.

Dan Ford: Flashes this card at the disco for an easy lay.

John Paschal
7 years ago

Indeed. I have found, however, that if you administer self-massage in a public place, you get arrested pretty quickly.