The Screwball: Comedy is in the (Baseball) Cards 4

This is easily one of the coolest baseball cards ever.

This is easily one of the coolest baseball cards ever.

So, you want another pop quiz, eh? You’ve got it, discerning baseball fan.

A Martin

Billy Martin:
A) is known as California’s most cheerful hitchhiker.
B) is hoping to get a ride to the A’s game, because he is already dressed for it.
C) is giving his personal endorsement of the name Shooty Babitt.
D) has just mistaken Rob Picciolo for Arthur Fonzarelli.

A Bruce

Jay Bruce:
A) is just really excited to show off his new haircut.
B) is the lead singer for Jay and the Joyous Yet Disorganized Backups.
C) is, like his teammates, wearing the new Tickle Me Elmo Jersey.
D) just had a really, really good batting practice.

A Ordonez

Magglio Ordonez:
A) is pleased with his approach shot from a difficult lie.
B) is the first to greet the happy couple after their Tigers-themed wedding.
C) has just discovered a new way to get a cat from a tree.
D) is leading the league in intentional sidewalks.

A Hunt

Ron Hunt:
A) is wondering why he plays for the Dodgers in a Mets jersey.
B) is also wondering why there’s a salvage yard behind him.
C) is wearing what he calls a “partial neck condom.”
D) is beginning to show the effects of all those hit by pitches.

A Lemongello

Mark Lemongello:
A) often enters a state of hypnosis when he glances to his left.
B) is experimenting with Chia Scalp.
C) is too mesmerized by an Astros jersey to realize his name is misspelled.
D) is also marketing oronge Jell-O, vonilla Jell-O and locorice Jell-O.

A Eithier

Andre Ethier:
A) hasn’t looked at his glove like this in years.
B) is so happy he booked this weekend getaway.
C) is going to be a better man from now on – more loving, more present.
D) is picturing his glove in a nurse’s uniform.

A Gamble

Oscar Gamble:
A) really needs to trim his ear hair.
B) can remove grout and limescale with either side of his head.
C) is marketing a new line of earmuffs.
D) knows the only way to get a cap on his head is to airbrush it on.

A Sands

Jerry Sands:
A) just found a hand to replace the one he’s missing.
B) is taking a course in palm speedreading.
C) thinks these new toll gates are ridiculous.
D) won’t fall for the hand-buzzer this time, pal.

A Rivers

Mickey Rivers:
A) isn’t sure how to catch the incoming Cessna.
B) is a student of 1950s-style overacting.
C) is terrible at shooting free throws.
D) is the latest to see an angel – an actual angel – in the outfield.

A Wallace

Brett Wallace:
A) learned how to pitch by watching the fishmongers at Pike Place Market.
B) wears a watch while pitching because it’s better than wearing a sundial.
C) is not the league leader in LOB, but is the league leader in lob.
D) will be moved to first base soon, because he allows way too many hits.

A Boggs

Tommy Boggs:
A) says, “Don’t look back, the palm tree might be gaining on you.”
B) is cultivating a palm nursery on his spine.
C) has been less successful cultivating a spine nursery on his palm.
D) is one of the few pitchers to be backed by yogis, plural.

A Tracy

Jim Tracy:
A) sees a palm tree gaining on him, actually.
B) is literally asking, “Are you talking to me?”
C) has adhered to the team’s new regimen for neck flexibility.
D) still thinks batting helmets should have side mirrors.

A Marshall

Mike Marshall:
A) agrees that he should pitch effectively to the next batter.
B) is saying, “What weird sideburns?”
C) is practicing for uncomfortable moments in crowded elevators.
D) is hoping he doesn’t vomit in his 107th game.

A Hardball Times Update
Goodbye for now.
A Belliard

Ronnie Belliard:
A) just came up with the idea for Ball In A Cup.
B) thinks condors shouldn’t lay eggs in midair, but will help however he can.
C) is getting pretty tired of these bad-hop grounders.
D) will never again play catch with Steve Blass.

A Weaver

Earl Weaver:
A) can confirm that the neon lights really are bright on Broadway.
B) is witnessing the launch of NASA’s Boog Rocket.
C) just spotted the world’s largest firefly.
D) is gazing at pitcher Eddie Watt.

A Piazza

Mike Piazza:
A) is finding it hard to throw to second base due to the giant face.
B) denies taking anabolic head steroids.
C) is screaming, “You maniacs! You blew it up!
D) has employed a tiny catcher to pick the spinach from his teeth.

A O'Riordan

Chris O’Riordan:
A) will storm the castle wall, but only after moving the runner to second.
B) is aware the catcher is just a shadow of himself.
C) will discourage the runner at third from trying to score on a passed ball.
D) dares you to pronounce his name, especially while drinking Scotch.

A Pecota

Bill Pecota:
A) is providing hope to young players everywhere.
B) hates it when they pull the string on the ball-shaped piñata.
C) is spelling out the “P” in PECOTA.
D) is gonna need a bigger bat.

A Veale

Bob Veale:
A) has an unfortunate habit of punching cameras.
B) is planning to give his letter jacket to his best girl.
C) is warming up near history’s best-ventilated airplane hangar.
D) is hoping to play long enough for a Veale-Pecota matchup.

A Tunnell

Lee Tunnell:
A) got a free bowl of soup with that cap.
B) was served free soup in that cap (and a BLT on that glove).
C) thinks the horizontal stripes will make him look less extremely skinny.
D) once loaned his lenses to the Chacaltaya Astrophysical Observatory.

A Peterson

Kyle Peterson:
A) sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
B) sees the light at the end of the tunnel, and is reflecting on it.
C) realizes, upon reflection, that the light is coming from Lee Tunnell.
D) is the team leader in terrible baseball cards.

A Anderson

John Anderson:
A) is trying to get a signal on his ham radio.
B) just revealed the trapdoor to his brain.
C) has a great idea for the DeLorean doors.
D) knows there’s something about Mary.

A Hayes

Von Hayes:
A) isn’t twistin’ the night away, but is twistin’ the day away.
B) is the guy who wore the Bigfoot suit, definitely.
C) is performing for judges (seated) in the Left Side Of The Body Pageant.
D) goes to the plate with dishwashing gloves.

A Hough

Charlie Hough:
A) is about to throw a knuckleball at a foggy windshield.
B) is a rarity in that he is a fully formed adult in embryogenesis.
C) is the subject of Gilligan’s most futuristic dream.
D) is giving the young Wayne Coyne a pretty cool idea.

A Brabender

Gene Brabender:
A) is bending a bra … with his mind.
B) is upset the bra will bend but won’t break.
C) is wearing an actual, bona fide, genuine airbrushed cap.
D) has donned protective eyewear to block the dripping paint.

A Killebrew

Harmon Killebrew:
A) just realized he forgot to remove his uniform while showering.
B) also just realized he forgot to remove his cap while shampooing.
C) also just realized it doesn’t really matter, because he’s bald.
D) is watching the weekly cockroach race.

A Bo

Bo Jackson:
A) is wondering if anyone noticed that he pulled his own finger.
B) hopes the wind is blowing to his left.
C) will probably blame it on the ghost of Toots Shultz.
D) is trying to generate more offensive output.

A Maddux

Greg Maddux:
A) is not pleased with these new Dodgers pinstripes.
B) is pretty sure that’s Cubbie blue, not Dodger blue, in the background.
C) wants to remind you that once a Cub, always a Cub.
D) is tired of standing still for all this Photoshopping.

A Yogi

Yogi Berra:
A) is saying, “Thank you for making this joke necessary.”
B) is saying, “It ain’t clever till it’s clever.”
C) is saying, “You can laugh a lot by laughing.”
D) is saying, “I’m with the Astros?”

A LaPoint

Dave LaPoint:
A) just learned how to throw a baseball.
B) is actually right-handed.
C) hopes his fastball is clocked at upward of 46 mph.
D) has never won a stuffed animal at the state fair.

A Woodson

Dick Woodson:
A) can’t help but laugh at the name George Mitterwald.
B) can’t help but laugh at the name Bucky Guth.
C) can’t help but laugh, come to think of it, at the name Dick Woodson.
D) is thinking about last night’s episode of The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour.

A Deion

Deion Sanders:
A) is taking a running lead from the 20-yard line.
B) is hoping to return this interception for six runs.
C) is serving as his own lead blocker while also trying to tag himself out.
D) is Prime Times 4, basically.

A Beauchamp

Jim Beauchamp:
A) is waking from hibernation, which takes place in an opium den.
B) has continued his efforts to perfect the stink eye.
C) is pretty sure the photographer stole his per diem.
D) is pondering an altogether different Jim Beauchamp baseball card.

A Fields

Josh Fields:
A) always leaves empty seats in his wake.
B) is hoping to escape the frame of a 1940s film noir.
C) has been balanced like this for 12 minutes, and it’s amazing.
D) is a firm believer that people should wear protective headgear in mugshots.

A Staub

Rusty Staub:
A) is dreaming of a refreshing Coca-Cola, for some reason.
B) would settle for Le Grand Orange Nehi, for sure.
C) always faces sideways upon entering the thousand-yard stare.
D) is watching the Mets’ matinee production of Les Miserables.

A Law

Rudy Law:
A) is announcing that his favorite part of binary code is the 1, not the 0.
B) is announcing that his favorite movie is Ocean’s 11.
C) is announcing that he wishes they had made Eleven Angry Men.
D) is announcing that he enjoys the equals sign, but only when it’s slanted.

A Wilhelm

Hoyt Wilhelm:
A) hopes you don’t notice the humans emerging from his ear.
B) is about to win the Awkward Applause Contest.
C) is the staff ace of the local high-school team, obviously.
D) is, in all seriousness, 18 years older than his jersey number.

A House

Tom House:
A) could have sworn they said “hairbrush.”
B) once wore a Braves cap created entirely by Magic Markers.
C) hasn’t seen a red this non-red since the Reds’ 1919 team photo.
D) wonders why the Bosox couldn’t get a house from somewhere closer.

A Teixeira

Mark Teixeira:
A) is the leading hitter in the Aquarium League.
B) is such a good hitter, they named the stadium The Teixeiraquarium.
C) is confident that they’ll shorten it to The Teixeirium.
D) will consent to being lifted for a pH, but only one with good balance.

A Dempsey

Rick Dempsey:
A) is sure he forgot something, but for the life of him can’t think of what it is.
B) sometimes forgets to wear safety goggles while mowing the lawn, so…
C) doesn’t know why the ump is whispering stock tips in his ear, but oh well.
D) other.

John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
7 years ago

Did John Anderson previously appear on Rascals episodes as Alfalfa?

Bill Pecota is thinking, “This is going to hurt my PECOTA projection”.

John Paschal
7 years ago
Reply to  Carl

Two points!

John Paschal
7 years ago
Reply to  John Paschal

Actually, I guess I should have said, “Four points!”

Full disclosure: I don’t pay much attention to basketball.

Dennis Bedard
7 years ago

The ump is telling Rick Dempsey: “steal that formula they use to keep your uniform so white and i will cut you in on all future profits.”

John Paschal
7 years ago
Reply to  Dennis Bedard

I dunno, man. I just think it’s Clorox.

7 years ago

After the game, Rick Dempsey is going to be wondering where his wallet went.

John Paschal
7 years ago
Reply to  Carl

As I’ve always said, that’s why he needs one of those wallet chains that bikers use.

Scott Ferkovich
7 years ago

Billy Martin: Has mellowed since the days when he used to secretly flip the bird to baseball card photographers.

John Paschal
7 years ago
Douglas Heeren
7 years ago

In 1969 I was at a Twins game and Martin was signing autographs before the game and my dad told Billy he looked like he could still play. Billy’s reply was “Only card games and the horses are what I play these days.”

87 Cards
7 years ago

The mention of the name Mickey Rivers makes we walk like I am crossing hot coals.

John Paschal
7 years ago
Reply to  87 Cards

Right? How could a man so fast look so feeble?

That said, I always got the sense that Mickey was pulling a fast one, so to speak. I reckon that at the moment he got home after the game, he stopped walking like a hemorrhoidal Montgomery Burns and proceeded to do the lambada. He just wanted opponents to think he was feeble before he swiped second and third. Mickey Rivers = pretty awesome.

Douglas Heeren
7 years ago
Reply to  John Paschal

Billy Martin once said that a young Willie McGee reminded him of Mickey Rivers except that McGee didn’t play the horses and was always on time to team meetings. McGee was drafted by the Yankees.

John Paschal
7 years ago
Reply to  Douglas Heeren

All this talk of Mickey Rivers made me curious, so I looked him up, and whaddya know? Dude has been training racehorses in Florida! Makes even more sense now. Thanks, Douglas.

Dennis Bedard
7 years ago

Ron Hunt is thinking: “How many people in 2015 will remember what Brylcream was?”

John Paschal
7 years ago
Reply to  Dennis Bedard

Indeed! Do they still make that stuff? Or is the last remaining container in the hands of a desperate producer who’s banking on a Broadway (re-)revival of “Grease”?

7 years ago

“B) is the guy who wore the Bigfoot suit, definitely.”

(1 beat … 2 beats … light bulb comes on …)


Eh, good one!

John Paschal
7 years ago
Reply to  bucdaddy

Much obliged, bucdaddy.

I linked that (in)famous “Bigfoot” footage just to sort of explain the joke — hey, I need all the help I can get — but of course you have to sit through an Olive Garden commercial to see it. So, yeah, I was hoping that even if it took a moment, readers would eventually get the joke. Thanks for being smart, readers!

Douglas Heeren
7 years ago

Always remembered Oscar Gamble swinging and missing and losing his helmet and all his hair popping out. The Yankees acquired Gamble for a second time in 1979 after the death of Thurman Munson. In 1979 Oscar posted career best in several categories. Oscar was always one of my favorite players.

7 years ago
Reply to  Douglas Heeren

Just to share and to show the passage of time – in 2009 a friend of mine who has an office overlooking the parade route on the Canyon of Heroes had Oscar Gamble stop by to say hello and she took a picture. His head now is completely bald.

John Paschal
7 years ago
Reply to  Carl

Man. That’s like Santa Claus being beardless.