The Screwball: More Fun With Old Photos

Another pop quiz, for the discerning baseball fan:

This guy is:

• A) The vice president of the Creepy Neighbor Club.
• B) The opening act for the Gloomy McGrim Quartet of Doom.
• C) Attempting to set fire to the studio using only his mind.
• D) Not at all pleased.

This player is:

• A) Wearing his pants backward, definitely.
• B) Good at buttoning buttons, but only when they come in pairs.
• C) Destined for slow-pitch softball.
• D) Playing Eve in the summer stock production of Eat This Apple, Adam!

This third baseman is:

• A) Lucky that no one is behind him, because he’s terrible at mooning.
• B) Unaware that horizontal stripes make his forehead look fat.
• C) The acting president of the Stupendously Awesome Mustache Club.
• D) Experiencing some soreness in his left hand.

This infielder has:

• A) Mistaken the photographer for a future German leader.
• B) Always enjoyed landing ballet leaps in his spare time.
• C) Hidden a giant cupcake beneath his cap.
• D) Decided to signal “safe,” for some reason.

This baserunner is:

• A) Testing the new Memory-Dirt Mattress.
• B) Also testing the new Slap-To-The-Face Pillow.
• C) Determined to play that base-shaped bongo.
• D) An early proponent of “planking.”

The outfielder on the right is:

• A) Responding favorably to the ballpark’s Seance Day.
• B) About to be unmasked by meddling kids as the custodian, Mr. Jones.
• C) Known outside the ballpark as “The Vanishing Hitchhiker.”
• D) A slow runner but a fast stander.

This guy is:

• A) Determined to line up the putt, even if he’s not holding a putter.
• B) Manning the bottom level of an otherwise invisible cheerleader pyramid.
• C) Trying desperately to break free of his patented button sleeves.
• D) Good at making fart noises with his hands.

These players are:

• A) Mistaking the photographer for the umpire, obviously.
• B) Developing an early form of knee-replacement surgery.
• C) Demonstrating that there is more than one way to look at things.
• D) Doing everything wrong.

This infielder is:

• A) Just now realizing that the photographer witnessed the murder.
• B) Also realizing that the photographer needs to be next.
• C) About to tell the photographer, “Look, it’s nothing personal, but…”
• D) Going to forget to destroy the photographic evidence.

This player is:

• A) Welcoming his new spherical overlord.
• B) Hoping that someday a word or logo will identify which team he plays for.
• C) Creating a total eclipse of the ball.
• D) Choosing to ignore the drought conditions behind him.

This player’s name is:

• A) Troy.
• B) T-Roy.
• C) Cookieduster McMustache.
• D) Barnum & Bailey’s Convincingly Mustachioed Woman.

This player is:

• A) Posing in the world-famous Pretend You’re Lobbing A Grenade Studios.
• B) Getting rid of this poisonous potato by any means necessary.
• C) Intent on literally killing two birds with literally one stone.
• D) Pretty sure that black is the new black.

This guy is:

• A) Guilty of wearing the wrong outfit to the church picnic.
• B) Not going to turn around, no matter how stern the admonishment.
• C) Confused as to the dynamic of relay throws.
• D) Practicing for his first prostate exam.

Philadelphia Athletics second baseman Joe Battin is:

• A) Proposing a game of Pick Up The Hat Before I Hit You.
• B) Fiercely protecting his bowtie.
• C) Uncertain about the concept of the batter’s box.
• D) Often described as “playing second and battin’ sixth, heh-heh….”

Pirates shortstop Honus Wagner is:

• A) Guiding a gondola along the canals of Venice.
• B) Churning butter.
• C) Attempting to set an American record in the pole vault.
• D) Testing the summer sausage for firmness.

Brooklyn Suberbas shortstop Ray Mowe is:

• A) Attempting to coax a cuddly brown bear (not pictured).
• B) Applauding an early prototype of long-bladed Astroturf.
• C) Doing an early version of the Neutron Dance.
• D) Unaware of the garage sale behind him.

Pitchers Eddie Plank (left) and Big Ed Walsh are:

• A) Attempting to steal each other’s pocket watches.
• B) Playing a game called Pretend Not To Notice The Glove On The Ground.
• C) Not yet aware that Elmer’s Roll-on Glueodorant is permanent.
• D) Comparing trapezius muscles, as is the custom.

The Yankees’ Roy Hartzell has:

• A) A warm neck, for sure.
• B) Posed for other sweater catalogues, probably.
• C) Always wondered what it’s like to wear a heavy sweater and no pants.
• D) Just encountered a photographer who’s not familiar with the rule of thirds.

Brooklyn outfielder Zack Wheat is:

• A) Terrible at the one-man limbo.
• B) Good at making everyone else look the other way.
• C) Field-testing the new Exterior Jockstrap.
• D) Destined to suffer a lot of bunt-related groin pain.

Tigers shortstop Donie Bush is not:

• A) Sure what thing is, but he ain’t gonna let it get any closer.
• B) Accustomed to chants of “Do-nie! Do-nie!”
• C) Prepared for the phenomenon they’re calling “The Wave.”
• D) Comfortable taking bunting practice with mob boss Vito Adamo watching.

Tigers outfielder Ty Cobb is:

• A) Exchanging pleasantries with the opposing dugout.
• B) About to be assaulted by a well-dressed ruffian.
• C) Making his shadow resemble the South American continent.
• D) Turning his head and coughing, for some reason.

Giants first baseman George “High Pockets” Kelly is:

• A) Trying, but failing, to lower the height of his pockets.
• B) Comparing separate methodologies of self-administered knee massage.
• C) Performing history’s least enthusiastic Charleston.
• D) Manning third base, somehow.

Detroit’s Harry Heilman (left) and Red Wingo are:

• A) Still not sure how the didgeridoo works.
• B) Enjoying a casual game of tug-of-peace.
• C) Thrilled about the chocolate bat with the Golden Ticket.
• D) Easily amused.

Yankees second baseman Frank Truesdale is:

• A) Not pleased with this newfangled tubular bat.
• B) Unsure of his plans for St. Patrick’s Day.
• C) Resigned to the fact that he’ll hit .212 this season.
• D) Already jealous of Robinson Cano, somehow.

These Cubs are:

• A) Winning the Lean Casually On Your Bat Contest.
• B) Winning the Everyone Look In A Different Direction Contest.
• C) Winning the Nonchalant Use Of A Bat-Shaped Metal Detector Contest.
• D) Just now realizing that their franchise is probably doomed.

Giants pitcher Carl Mays is:

• A) Competing in the Tri-State Area Watusi Contest.
• B) Tilting at windmills, whatever that means.
• C) Hoping to catch on with the Queens Quasimodos.
• D) Failing to bring rain.

The 1918 New York Giants are:

• A) Being ridiculed, from behind, for arriving underdressed.
• B) Still confused about the definition of “sepia-toned.”
• C) Not convinced that measurements of 4-16-18 would constitute a “giant.”
• D) Pretty much convinced that 4562 minus 7 equals 4555.

Washington catcher Muddy Ruel has:

• A) Nothing up his sleeve, as you can see for yourself.
• B) Blocked the plate many times before, but never from a photographer.
• C) A habit of telling fish stories while wearing catching gear.
• D) Long depended on charity, but hopes to trade his mitt for an alms bowl.

New York pitcher Urban Shocker is:

• A) Hosting a new show titled Mr. Shocker’s Neighborhood.
• B) Always divided between the Yan and the Kees.
• C) Pleased that he snuck his own snacks into the ballpark.
• D) Saying to the photographer, “Guess which hand my other hand is in.”

The boy behind Babe Ruth is:

• A) Diogenes of Providence, last of the great Stoics.
• B) A young Val Kilmer.
• C) Kind of scary.
• D) Late for school.

The player facing the camera is:

• A) Trying to ignore No. 30’s massive rear end.
• B) Still expecting a huge crowd, somehow.
• C) Wondering where the catcher’s head is.
• D) Glad he got a brown “B” instead of a scarlet “A.”

This St. Louis Browns baserunner is:

• A) Safe.
• B) Out.
• C) Wondering why he’s levitating.
• D) Trying to stamp out a small tornado with his left foot.

The Yankees’ Tony Lazzeri (left) and Joe DiMaggio are:

• A) Excited about their new end table.
• B) Amused that Lazzeri inadvertently shouted, “Hip! Hip! Wahoo!”
• C) Tickled that they still can’t figure out the three-legged race.
• D) Delighted that Lefty Gomez literally gave them the shirt off his back.

Red Sox slugger Ted Williams is:

• A) Enjoying Spring Break ’41!
• B) Just trying to keep warm, dadgummit.
• C) Auditioning for Beach Blanket Single, the prequel to Beach Blanket Bingo.
• D) The most modest ballplayer in the Nudist Divisional Series.

These Dodgers are:

• A) Early adopters of the Captain Morgan pose.
• B) Terrible at imitating Cerberus.
• C) Hoping to win the six-legged race.
• D) Comparing foot sizes, for some reason.

Yankees outfielder Mickey Mantle is:

• A) Confused about this “jumping the broom” ceremony.
• B) Hoping to impress the East German judges.
• C) Engaged in a modernist reenactment of the Assumption of Mary.
• D) Posing for the FTD logo.

Giants outfielder Willie Mays is:

• A) Inventing the “moon walk” in front of thousands of appreciative fans.
• B) Leading a particularly recalcitrant group of aerobics students.
• C) Posing for a super-funky crosswalk sign.
• D) Hopping up and down on one foot, just for grins.

Baltimore’s Russ Snyder is:

• A) Testing the new Moet Shampoo.
• B) About to realize that they should have spelled it “Champoo.”
• C) Completing Part 1 of his hydrology thesis.
• D) Not worried about tests for scalp alcohol content.

Ted Williams and Joe DiMaggio are:

• A) Laughing at two completely unrelated events.
• B) Reacting to the suggestion that the 1970s will be the decade of “disco.”
• C) Acknowledging that it doesn’t matter who dealt it, as both have smelt it.
• D) Just now getting the joke about the talking dog in the talent agency.

Dodgers outfielder Willie Davis has:

• A) Grown weary of d-Con’s new Outfielder Trap.
• B) Decided to never again wear an iron jockstrap in a magnetic ballpark.
• C) Never gotten over his debilitating fear of baseballs.
• D) Other.