The Screwball: Comedy is in the (Baseball) Cards 6

If a pop quiz is what you want, a pop quiz is what you get.

Tim Stoddard:
A) is politely informing the cafeteria manager that the hair net doesn’t fit.
B) is asking the fisherman to release him because, “I’m pitching today.”
C) is telling the peanut vendor, “Yes, I do enjoy being shot softly from a cannon.”
D) is having fun at the Giant Colander And Strainer Museum.

Hector Cruz:
A) is searching for instructions on how to wear this thing.
B) is ambivalent about the team-issued spittoon.
C) is checking to see how much cash he made while busking.
D) thinks the chowder should be served in a bread bowl.

Denard Span:
A) is competing in the inaugural Doff The Cap Tournament.
B) is showing off his new hair plugs, to much acclaim.
C) will have a hard time locating the highest bidder.
D) is shy in front of cameras, but proudly so.

Bob Barton:
A) is wondering what it’s like over there in Little West Berlin.
B) is trying to escape while the guard isn’t looking.
C) never thought he’d be the main attraction at the San Diego Zoo.
D) is not having fun at the Giant Colander And Strainer Museum.

Carl Furillo:
A) is performing a yoga pose called the Sideward-Facing Furillo.
B) will do anything to protect this newly painted fence.
C) is answering the question, “How many Furillos does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
D) is playing catch with an ancestor of Rick Ankiel.

Andre Ethier:
A) does not know the way to San Jose.
B) is telling a tourist, in all seriousness, to take a left turn at Albuquerque.
C) says each knuckle is roughly equivalent to a mile.
D) thinks Sedona is the best place for chakra balancing and a bathroom break.

Bob Locker:
A) might not be Bob Locker; it’s kind of hard to say.
B) really isn’t a numbers guy.
C) tried, but failed, to form a sponsorship deal with Chico’s Bail Bonds.
D) does have a numbered jersey in his armoire, ironically.

Mike Norris:
A) is participating in the second annual Skittles Vs. Smarties Taste Test.
B) is weighing the pros and cons of Skoal Awareness Week.
C) can’t stop fiddling with his new retainer.
D) has decided Nutella is a terrible workout snack.

Johnny Podres, Clem Labine and Don Drysdale:
A) are shouting, “Red rover, red rover, let Furillo come over!”
B) have formed the most cheerful linebacker corps in the Extremely Narrow Field League.
C) don’t understand the basic elements of arm wrestling.
D) are failing, yet enjoying, their audition for The Radio City Rockettes.

Kurt Bevacqua:
A) is concerned that his dermatologist isn’t properly treating this pimple.
B) is filming a scene for Attack of the Killer Marshmallows.
C) is field-testing baseball’s first airbag.
D) is making out with a jellyfish.

Willie Stargell:
A) is working with top prospect Roy G. Biv.
B) is not wholly on board with Acid-Trip Tuesdays.
C) picked the wrong era to invent the Macarena.
D) thinks the heaviest storms will hit the areas to the west.

Juan Samuel:
A) is making sure each kneecap is on the correct knee.
B) is lining up at tailback in New York’s I-formation.
C) is trying to read the inspirational message in the Mets’ dugout.
D) just realized he shouldn’t have eaten the tacos at Big China Buffet.

Bill Robinson:
A) is pondering the plot twist in last night’s Columbo.
B) just decided The Towering Inferno should win this year’s Oscar.
C) is worried about the interpersonal relations among members of Fleetwood Mac.
D) is realizing his fingers smell like cheesesteak.

Alex Gonzalez:
A) will do whatever it takes to avoid the bulbous head of Kevin Mench.
B) is practicing for the Miami Summer Stock production of Peter Pan.
C) is performing in a French ballet titled Les Balls of Summer.
D) is hoping to catch on with the Rakuten Spread Eagles.

Terry Harmon:
A) is trying a few items at the Phillies’ annual yard sale.
B) is new to the fullback position.
C) prefers taking ground balls in front of the equipment, so as to reduce bad hops.
D) is playing leapfrog with his glove.

Mark Trumbo:
A) is attempting, without success, to walk like an Egyptian.
B) enjoys high-fiving people who aren’t there.
C) says he needs “five more homers” to reach the Hall of Fame.
D) knows his batting glove like the back of his hand.

Adrian Beltre:
A) is the hapless victim of a cruel prank.
B) misunderstood the batting coach when he said to go “inside out.”
C) is modeling his patented L.A. Propeller Hat (propeller not included).
D) will not participate in the Donruss series called Rally Cups.

Claudell Washington:
A) remembers a simpler time, when players played for the love of the game.
B) has entered his sea of tranquility, just as the therapist advised.
C) can’t decide if he prefers rainbows, puppies or unicorns.
D) has pretty much learned to tune out Charlie Finley.

Pat Burrell and Mike Lieberthal:
A) are declaring, “Wonder Twins power activate!”
B) are harnessing the otherwise untapped static electricity in their batting gloves.
C) are giving knucks, because that’s what bros do.
D) are among America’s most peaceable sparring partners.

Bert Campaneris:
A) hired a blind squirrel to stitch the “T” on his cap, apparently.
B) bought his uniform on New York’s Canal Street.
C) hopes to lead the Fake Texas Rangers in fake stolen bases.
D) is planning to return his monogrammed robe.

Mike Piazza:
A) is trying to ignore the Man In Black.
B) will recant his contention that Tony Gwynn is “from another planet.”
C) will recant his contention that Barry Bonds is “not of this world.”
D) will recant his contention that Greg Maddux is “not in the same galaxy.”

Mike Schmidt:
A) just returned from a neighborhood flea market.
B) is hoping to “melt these down to make a necklace.”
C) thinks the Phillies should get a weight room, but for now, this will do.
D) often gets thrown out on steal attempts due to the extra weight.

Howie Kendrick:
A) is excited, as are teammates, about his new stiletto heels.
B) thinks the team’s new mini-tramp is an excellent addition.
C) enjoys the support he gets when singing I Believe I Can Fly.
D) believes trust exercises should be more challenging but is otherwise pleased.

Craig Biggio:
A) is terrible at tipping his cap.
B) is a big fan of cirrocumulus clouds.
C) is wondering if airliners should really empty their toilets over ballparks.
D) just noticed a crack in the ceiling of the Astrodome.

Jacoby Ellsbury:
A) is fighting for first-down yardage.
B) is testing Ronco’s new Self-Defibrillator.
C) can’t afford a real bongo until after free agency.
D) is reenacting Alien’s infamous John Hurt scene.

George Scott:
A) is telling Ava Gardner, “Um, you’ve got the wrong George Scott.”
B) never believed – until now – the legend of the Pregame Chupacabra.
C) is about to tell Sixto Lezcano, “Yo, get a load of Darrell Porter’s glasses.”
D) is now convinced that Equus should never be staged on the field.

Don Mattingly:
A) is the first position player to notice the photographer’s fly is open.
B) is enjoying his Tickle Me Elmo Glove.
C) is watching Steve Balboni race Deion Sanders to the last bag of sunflower seeds.
D) is thinking how funny it would be if he were cast on The Simpsons.

Carlos Gomez:
A) is telling the scorer he’d better score this a hit.
B) enjoys counting insects while en route to first base.
C) is attempting to hypnotize himself.
D) wants to know what Topps Chrome actually feels like.

Gary Carter:
A) just got a whiff of Barry Foote’s feet.
B) is aware, suddenly, that the photographer is wearing Eau De Roadkill.
C) is swinging at straight cheese — specifically, Limburger.
D) is among the first to smell the glove – both gloves, actually.

Derek Bell:
A) isn’t sure, but thinks his bat just back-sassed him.
B) is wondering how many hits are left in this thing.
C) just realized he’s never formally introduced himself.
D) thought he saw Jesus but knows now it’s Kris Kristofferson.

Steve Carlton:
A) always turns his back on giant pieces of moldy bread.
B) is unaware the Philadelphia Eagles are closer than they appear.
C) just realized the Green Monster is an excellent back scratcher.
D) is a devoted user of Scotts Vertical Turf Builder.

Larry Walker:
A) is calling himself safe, for reasons of efficiency.
B) is competing in the eighth annual Skateboardless Skateboard Competition.
C) has managed to fly, but only insofar as he’s gotten one foot off the ground.
D) is the finest modern-dance soloist in all of eastern Canada.

Vada Pinson:
A) is enjoying the team’s pregame happy hour, with half-price breadsticks.
B) is watching Paul Splittorf reenact last night’s Barney Miller.
C) is entertained, as always, by “Tall Tales With Freddie Patek!”
D) likes to pretend his bat is a Mr. Microphone.

Tom Pagnozzi:
A) is fashioning an extra layer of crotch protection.
B) is preparing for his final exam in Intermediate Basket Weaving.
C) is ignoring the guy who’s ignoring him, because, hey, it’s only fair.
D) is napping, actually.

Gregg Jefferies:
A) has vowed to hold his breath until the infielder stops touching him.
B) often runs the bases while storing acorns.
C) likes to wear his helmet in an extremely rakish manner.
D) fears he’s about to swallow his tobacco.

Brian Hunter:
A) has found it difficult to control his Asics JetPacks.
B) thinks it should be easier for players to enter the locker room.
C) is competing in history’s most challenging steeplechase.
D) misjudged the shallow pop-up.

Jim Essian:
A) is accomplished in the art of fart noises.
B) can’t get his mitt off and is asking for help.
C) thinks the new Right Guard Roll-On is a bit unwieldy.
D) is asking the umpire, “Um, where did everyone go?”

Orel Hershiser:
A) reminds you that his name is Orel Hershiser and that he plays for the Dodgers.
B) is proud, as always, that he wore the right jersey.
C) has always been good at finding his own locker.
D) is wondering if the gift shop has more Orelphernalia.

Jim Fregosi:
A) is playing a tune called I’m Issuing an Intentional Waltz.
B) is playing a tune called A Nice Little Polka Into Left Field.
C) is starring in a TV show called Accordion to Jim.
D) enjoys the squeeze play and hopes to get the right pitch.

Mark McGwire:
A) is conducting a seminar called Better Hairdos And You.
B) began his speech by saying, “Four Donruss and seven years ago…”
C) needs a lot more practice at passing the hat.
D) other.