The Screwball: Comedy Is in the (Baseball) Cards

by John Paschal
September 2, 2015

Dave Chalk is outta here when he turns 18.

A new kind of quiz, for the discerning baseball fan:

Author’s note: Here, unlike in Fun With Old Photos, the author does not supply the verb, i.e., the “is” or the “are.” Why? Well, it are — sorry, is — easier that way.

Bip Roberts:
A) is equally thrilled about tomorrow’s Tam O’ Shanter Day.
B) thinks Spring Break in Cabo would be more fun without all this baseball.
C) took the curandera’s advice about avoiding the golden sombrero.
D) is not, as promised, receiving Showtime on his new satellite dish.

Fernando Valenzuela:
A) is often accused of losing focus.
B) enjoys pitching for habitués of the local opium den.
C) was told to register his performance in triplicate.
D) is once, twice, three tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimes a lefty.

John Shelby:
A) is enjoying his first day in the ninth grade.
B) can tune into AM radio, but only if he smiles in a certain direction.
C) once maimed 368 people at the State Fair kissing booth.
D) is bracing for a demotion.

Mike Jeffcoat:
A) is wary of designated hitter Lawrence Taylor.
B) once quick-kicked on a 3-2 count.
C) is really more of an option pitcher.
D) is looking forward to the bye week.

Steve Trout:
A) has a pair of Blaupunkt speakers he’d like to sell you.
B) continues to insist it’s not a perm.
C) once followed Bachman Turner Overdrive for an entire summer.
D) drives a Good Times Van, for sure.

A Hardball Times Update

by RJ McDaniel

Goodbye for now.

Mike Armstrong:
A) enjoys the disguises essential to spycraft.
B) enjoys the vast spectrum of human emotion.
C) enjoys fooling the hitter with “different looks.”
D) enjoys gazing pensively through portholes.

Jay Johnstone:
A) is blocking messages from Kangos, Ruler of the Galaxy.
B) enjoys watching The Anheuser-Busch Weather Channel.
C) is wearing rain boots made entirely of 12-ounce Bud Light cans.
D) once flew 148 feet during a spring training windstorm.

Brian Harper:
A) wants in on that hot Blockbuster stock.
B) is calling the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Fan Club.
C) is on hold with the Super Mario tipline.
D) would like a word with a young Dayn Perry.

Bobby Abreu:
A) is making a cameo appearance, somehow, on Gunsmoke.
B) hits better in UHF.
C) wants fans to “Turn up the volume!”
D) is expecting a good reception.

Wes Westrum:
A) is a defending his title in the Tri-State Area Yodel-Off.
B) gets annoyed when Ron Swoboda doesn’t call back, “Polo!”
C) is shouting, “When I say, ‘New York’ you say, ‘Mets.’ New York!…”
D) is encouraging his team to outscore the other team.

Don Bryant:
A) knows that while his card says Pilots, his cap says nothing.
B) also removed identifying marks from his underwear.
C) is history’s first black-hat hacker.
D) caught a squid with his cap, apparently.

Matty Alou:
A) is pleased with the halo in this late Byzantine baseball card.
B) hopes the light of divine grace suffuses his slugging percentage.
C) is confident the Council of Trent didn’t forbid this iconography.
D) knows that even if it did, Pope Paul III is still a Cardinals fan.

Billy McCool:
A) is smuggling Cuban cigars through Customs.
B) is embarrassed by the parasitic twin in his scalp.
C) is an early proponent of the protective cap.
D) is, with regard to cap positioning, often called McClueless.

Bert Campaneris:
A) is saying, “Si, mi gorra también esta ‘airbrushed.’”
B) also owns an airbrushed ’76 Econovan.
C) also plans to win an airbrushed Van Halen T-shirt at the Texas State Fair.
D) is now considering a 10th position, that of Hostess photographer.

Dick Bosman:
A) is baseball’s leading falconer.
B) is waiting patiently for teammates to hang their wet laundry.
C) is wearing beneath his jersey a repurposed yard bag.
D) is modeling for a sportsmanship trophy, for sure.

Hal McRae:
A) is asking if he has spinach in his teeth.
B) is doing mouth calisthenics just prior to a corn on the cob-eating contest.
C) is responding instinctively to teammate Cookie Rojas.
D) is proud of his prototype Invisalign braces.

Vida Blue:
A) is also proud of his prototype Invisalign braces, but maybe not as proud.
B) is happy whenever he throws a good “four-seam invisi-ball.”
C) would like two bags of peanuts and/or peace for our time.
D) says, “V is for Vida, verily.”

Manny Sanguillen:
A) is sketching an abstract-expressionist portrait of teammate Dock Ellis.
B) is writing to ABC regarding the cancellation of The Lawrence Welk Show.
C) enjoys drawing 3D cubes in his spare time.
D) wants to write, “It was a dark and stormy night…” before he forgets it.

Rollie Fingers:
A) is attempting to grow a handlebar mustache on his backside.
B) is wondering what that noise is, and realizes it’s a baseball game.
C) has a card titled “Rollie Fingers inaction” that shows him napping.
D) is trying, but failing, to imitate Linda Blair in The Exorcist.

Mike Piazza:
A) will beat you with a 10-pound weight if you accuse him of steroid use.
B) is testing a prototype of the Shake Weight.
C) will try jazzercise next, and then water aerobics.
D) is trying, but failing, to distract you from his mullet.

Juan Castro:
A) is showing off his new Nike Rocket Launchers.
B) is concerned people can see the wires.
C) always knew he’d rise quickly through the organization.
D) cannot hold this pose much longer.

Yorvit Torrealba:
A) is chewing Wrigley’s new Nitrous Oxide Gum.
B) is reacting to the opposing pitcher’s strike-three swing.
C) also thinks “Yorvit” is a funny name.
D) just heard you say you could’ve been a big-leaguer if not for that injury.

Kevin Youkilis:
A) has never enjoyed playing in the GM Wind Tunnel.
B) is leading a cheer by shouting, “Gimme a backslash!”
C) is winning the Running Man Contest by performing it in midair.
D) is in what he calls “diagony.”

Sean Casey and Placido Polanco:
A) have one batting title between them.
B) are attempting to capture Albert Pujols after he escaped from his pen.
C) are pretty sure they’re the best players in this picture.
D) are feeling run down.

Kevin Brown:
A) has discovered slow-dancing is harder than it looks.
B) is trying to explain why he got home so late last night.
C) desperately wants to compare belt buckles.
D) is tied, with catcher Paul Lo Duca, in Round 1 of the staring contest.

Brian McCann:
A) is amazed at the size of the mother ship.
B) is having Visine applied via Boeing E-3 Sentry.
C) is just now realizing that Chris Young, the pitcher, is a lot taller in person.
D) needs to visit the chiropractor.

Todd Van Poppel:
A) is in last place in the one-man desert luge.
B) is trying to keep the ball down.
C) said he would sit for a portrait, and meant it.
D) doesn’t know how to wear a rubber.

Ivan Rodriguez:
A) is enjoying his Lamaze class.
B) is trying to please his hard-nosed yoga instructor.
C) is terrible at hide and seek.
D) doesn’t quite understand the statute governing squatters rights.

Marty Cordova:
A) is taking batting practice against Blue Moon Odom.
B) is hoping for a trade to the Astros.
C) is simultaneously safe at first, second and third.
D) is in the twilight of his career, actually.

Rafael Furcal:
A) is thinking, “More like Rafael Furtical, am I right?”
B) is sitting in seat 2B of Wonder Woman’s Invisible Plane.
C) is starring in Around the Horn in 80 Days.
D) is field-testing the new Nike Airs.

Eric Chavez:
A) is enjoying baseball’s finest mosh pit.
B) is executing his blocking assignment on Mark Ellis’ read option.
C) is terrible at administering the cup check.
D) has just never liked Ian Kinsler.

Omar Vizquel:
A) just received a pair of ornate parking tickets.
B) suddenly understands the “sports” in “sports car.”
C) hasn’t heard that In Living Color was canceled.
D) catches a lot of flies.

Justin Ruggiano:
A) is undergoing treatment for neck pain and partial hot-headedness.
B) is introducing the potent Ruggiano On The Rocks.
C) is having his platinum pigtails sucked into a large vacuum cleaner.
D) is, like everyone else, getting tired of this trend.

Brandon Inge:
A) has never understood the hit-and-run.
B) takes offense at being called a slap-hitter.
C) charged $5,000 for a front-row seat.
D) is reenacting, with some confusion, the closing scene from Rocky III.

Ernesto Frieri:
A) has a medical condition called “weird chest.”
B) is trying, but failing, to prove he’s not made of rubber.
C) needs a jog bra.
D) enjoys wearing jaw jewelry, or, as he calls it, “jawelry.”

Reggie Jackson:
A) is inspecting his bat for mold spores.
B) is practicing pick-up lines on his Louisville Slugger.
C) is admonishing his bat for its failure to deliver a hit.
D) is actually wearing jerseyglasses.

Don Sutton:
A) is field-testing a new weed killer called Knweed-B-Gone!
B) thinks his new windup is kind of amusing.
C) is not yet aware that the Earth has dramatically tilted.
D) is giving the international symbol for “my arms are crossed.”

Pedro Guerrero:
A) is caught between the physical planes of existence.
B) wants you to regard, a la the Cubists, multiple views of the same subject.
C) is about to call for the fourth dimension, time.
D) definitely has pop, but is lacking snap and crackle.

Dave Chalk:
A) ain’t gonna do his homework, and you can’t make him.
B) says you can take out your own garbage.
C) can’t wait till he turns 18 because he is “so outta here.”
D) is wearing a dead chinchilla on his head.

Chuck Finley:
A) is playing a few licks from Whitesnake’s Here I Go Again.
B) claims to have “A sharp” curveball.
C) is opening for The Outfield.
D) other.